I was utterly focused and strangely energized as I got out of bed immediately and reached for my dressing gown and laptop. Seated at the kitchen bench and ignoring the cold I sat down to write. I would make her sorry for crushing my happiness. I would make him sorry for disrespecting me. I would make him sorry.
Natasha had given me the idea when she went on and on down the phone, telling me she’d been having sex with Alex. I knew that the truth would cut her far more deeply than any of her lies could hurt me.
I laid out every torturous detail of my interactions with Alex from the time we first met, so that the email would scream truth in every line. In half an hour I would send that email to them both and blast apart that relationship forever. And if my email did not make them sorry enough I would send it to people connected to them. I did not even hesitate for Ben's sake; that little boy I had never met but somehow loved. They’ll all be better off in the long-term, I thought.
Half an hour passed though and my bomb was still in the very early stages of preparation. I decided to continue writing until I had something worth sending.
The more time I spent writing, the calmer I became. Time, and something of a revival of the great affection I felt for Alex, cleared my head. Hours, and two and a half pages had passed, and yet I had only just reached our first kiss for I was writing in such detail. There were so many things I needed to do though before a weekend rehearsal was to begin at one o’clock. I would have to send the letter in it’s current state.
Sanity prevailed and I decided to give Alex one last chance. After all, taking away his girlfriend, house, son and potentially job all in one whack was hardly a small matter. It would genuinely be his last chance though.
Recognising now that calling his mobile was useless, and beyond caring whether I spoke to Natasha, I called his home phone. Alex answered.
“Oh Lily, I’m so glad you called.”
“What do you mean you’re so glad I called? Why didn’t you answer this morning?”
“Natasha's got my phone and she’s gone out. I’ve been in bed all morning; I’ve got tonsillitis. Listen buddy I’m sorry about last night.”
“But did you get my voicemails? I tried to call you.”
“Oh shit, you sent Natasha a voicemail? What did you say?”
“No I sent you a voicemail! I thought it was you texting me! I got a text from you this morning saying, ‘I love her’!”
“Oh buddy I’ve been in bed all morning, Natasha must’ve sent it.”
“And then I tried to call you and I left you a voicemail that was like three minutes long. I don’t know what I said, I don’t know, I just wanted you to talk to me. Oh shit, Alex, it’s bad.”
Alex was sorry for last night; he’d been so tired, he explained, and he’d been coming down with tonsillitis. As soon as he’d got home he’d crashed.
“But you replied to my text message last night.”
“What? No, I crashed. That must have been Natasha too.”
“Did you at least see the text messages Natasha and I sent to each other? I forwarded them to you.”
“No, I didn’t look at them.”
Alex did not want to hear them, but I forced him to listen to Natasha's messages down the phone.
Alex was sorry, but he couldn’t bear to live without Ben. He would live with Natasha. He couldn’t survive even one night away from Ben, he said.
“But will you pretend to have a relationship with Natasha now?”, I asked.
There was a pause.
“I’d rather not discuss that with you.”
The vice around my heart tightened.
We talked for as many minutes as I could possibly spare. He told me he could never call me from his own phone again because Natasha would only let him back home on the condition that he would never see me again. She would check the phone bill and knew both of my phone numbers by heart. She had told him to suspend his gym membership so that he would never see me there. Alex warned me that if he ever called me from his own phone again it was because Natasha was listening. He would call me Lillian to tip me off. If he sent me a text he would begin it with a question mark so that I would know it was from him.
I wanted to know when we could next see each other but he couldn’t answer. He suggested that we could still go away for weekends sometimes and that next year he would organize a boys’ trip to New Zealand so that he could come and see me. I told him that I deserved more, and we left the conversation with what I thought was a mutual understanding that we had reached the end of the road.
Friday 21 December 2007
Wednesday 19 December 2007
Morning
Saturday morning began far earlier than I had expected. I opened my swollen eyelids to see who was texting me at 7:02am on a Saturday and why.
“I. .-love her” said the message. It was from Alex.
“Fuck him”, I thought, and closed my dry red eyes to try to get more sleep. It was easy to think these things at 7:02am on a Saturday morning when you feel as though you’re knocking on death’s door. My heart was racing though. Within minutes I reached again for my phone.
The call rang until it reached voicemail.
I spoke for at least three minutes. I was calm. Grief and anger were dulled and confusion was taking it’s turn in the spotlight. I asked questions. I put forward my opinion.
“What’s going on Alex? I can’t believe how much and how quickly things have changed. I can understand why you’d go back to her ‘cause I know you can’t survive without Ben. But I can’t understand why you won’t talk to me about it and now why you’re saying you love her when you told me you haven’t loved her in three years. Please just explain Alex.”
I couldn’t even be bothered being angry over the message, which was really an unprovoked kick while I was down.
Again, he texted me.
“Look please don’t call or text. I do love my girlfriend and want to stay with her. Sorry.”
As sleep faded, the edge of my anger and disgust returned. A text again? Weak as piss. The man was weak as piss. He texts me at 7am and then asks me not to call or text?! He can’t even answer his phone after all that has happened? After I stayed with him when the waters threatened to rise and swallow him? Weak and stupid. Stupid not to treat better the woman who could break him.
I called again. I was genuinely willing to be calm if he answered the phone; I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
The call went to voicemail.
“Hi Alex, I would have thought that you’d at least want to talk to me to make sure I kept my mouth shut.”
Soon I received a text.
“Like I said last night it is over. Natasha knows everything and is taking me back. I am in love with her. Sorry.”
How dare he lie to me! Natasha knows everything, does she? There is NO WAY Natasha would take you back if she knew everything. Natasha thinks we only had sex once. It’s time to enlighten her.
This time I did not bother to call.
“u hav half an hour 2 make peace with me”, said the text message I sent to Alex at 8:04am.
“I. .-love her” said the message. It was from Alex.
“Fuck him”, I thought, and closed my dry red eyes to try to get more sleep. It was easy to think these things at 7:02am on a Saturday morning when you feel as though you’re knocking on death’s door. My heart was racing though. Within minutes I reached again for my phone.
The call rang until it reached voicemail.
I spoke for at least three minutes. I was calm. Grief and anger were dulled and confusion was taking it’s turn in the spotlight. I asked questions. I put forward my opinion.
“What’s going on Alex? I can’t believe how much and how quickly things have changed. I can understand why you’d go back to her ‘cause I know you can’t survive without Ben. But I can’t understand why you won’t talk to me about it and now why you’re saying you love her when you told me you haven’t loved her in three years. Please just explain Alex.”
I couldn’t even be bothered being angry over the message, which was really an unprovoked kick while I was down.
Again, he texted me.
“Look please don’t call or text. I do love my girlfriend and want to stay with her. Sorry.”
As sleep faded, the edge of my anger and disgust returned. A text again? Weak as piss. The man was weak as piss. He texts me at 7am and then asks me not to call or text?! He can’t even answer his phone after all that has happened? After I stayed with him when the waters threatened to rise and swallow him? Weak and stupid. Stupid not to treat better the woman who could break him.
I called again. I was genuinely willing to be calm if he answered the phone; I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
The call went to voicemail.
“Hi Alex, I would have thought that you’d at least want to talk to me to make sure I kept my mouth shut.”
Soon I received a text.
“Like I said last night it is over. Natasha knows everything and is taking me back. I am in love with her. Sorry.”
How dare he lie to me! Natasha knows everything, does she? There is NO WAY Natasha would take you back if she knew everything. Natasha thinks we only had sex once. It’s time to enlighten her.
This time I did not bother to call.
“u hav half an hour 2 make peace with me”, said the text message I sent to Alex at 8:04am.
Sunday 16 December 2007
Crazy
That evening I went to the movies with my cousin, Anna. The movie was appalling. I couldn’t stop wondering if I would see Alex that night; doubts were creeping in as I hadn’t heard from him all day. After the film I drove Anna home to her flat in Elsternwick – conveniently close to Elwood, where I hoped to see Alex.
I phoned him to see what the deal was, guessing that he had probably left the football already.
As with every other intensely painful conversation I’ve had in my life, I can’t remember what was said the way I usually can.
He was in a taxi. He was tired. No he didn’t want to see me. He had sent the message that afternoon. No he wouldn’t explain. No he hadn’t seen Natasha's texts to me, or mine to her. He just wanted to go home. Home? Home. No he wouldn’t see me. No he wouldn’t explain…
“Natasha's asked me to come home because she’s scared.”
“Of what?” I scoffed.
“Of you.”
“WHAT?!” I could hear a psycho in my voice that had never been there before. Natasha never had reason to fear me until the moment she dragged me down to her level. I couldn’t bare for Alex to think that I was the psycho and that she, Natasha, was the innocent victim.
Natasha, who threw beer bottles, and dangled her son before his father like bait, and called me to torture me with lies about their sex life, and who tore up photos and threw clothes in the pool and ran off with Ben to Mt Eliza and kicked and screamed in front of Alex's clients.
Then I was furious at myself for sounding so psycho. The subsequent anger didn’t help me sound like any less of a head-case. Tears streamed faster than ever and I begged Alex just to see me and talk to me.
He would not. He just wanted to go home.
After we hung up the phone I bawled, sitting there in the car in the dark. I let the snot run down my chin and my face screw up and I writhed like a dying animal, while simultaneously forwarding him the text messages Natasha and I had sent each other that afternoon, desperate to show him that I was not the crazy liar.
Somehow my despair was not quite deep enough to stop me seeking out a friend though. I called Ellen, who lived two blocks away from where I was parked, woke her up and begged her to let me come see her. I was so desperate for someone to wrap me in their arms. I was desperate for Alex to wrap me in his arms, but Ellen would do for now.
I left Ellen after about half an hour. It was enough. My grief subsided. But anger followed.
Revolting thoughts ran through my head. The kinds of thoughts I would have only believed Natasha capable of, but which I had somehow now inherited.
I was so angry with myself for being taken in by such a weak, shallow, WEAK man. The word wouldn’t leave my mind. He was disgusting to me. Three nights! he had managed to stay away before crawling back. He was going back to his loveless life because it was the easy option in the short-term, and because it was cheaper.
“I can’t believe u ended us with a txt & won’t even face me once now. U r answering 2 her blackmail once agen & letting her use ur son as bait”
“Please try to understand I have a family. I’m sorry lily.”
I was angry at myself, but I was angrier at Alex and Natasha. I thought about going to their house and yelling for Alex to come out and face me. And in my head I saw Natasha come out instead, since Alex was such a coward, and I saw myself punching her collagen-injected face and tearing at her bleached-blonde hair. Then I thought, “no – revenge is a dish best served cold”, and I saw myself wordlessly shoving a positive pregnancy test in front of her face, and gleefully watching her try to comprehend what it meant. I even drove to a chemist on Centre Rd on the off-chance that it would be open 24 hours. It was not.
Ideas flashed through my head. I considered calling the police, to make an anonymous “tip-off” that Natasha was a child-abuser.
In the end I went home, and decided that there lay the fundamental difference between the two of us. Anyone is capable of thinking such things, but most people don’t act out all their thoughts.
I phoned him to see what the deal was, guessing that he had probably left the football already.
As with every other intensely painful conversation I’ve had in my life, I can’t remember what was said the way I usually can.
He was in a taxi. He was tired. No he didn’t want to see me. He had sent the message that afternoon. No he wouldn’t explain. No he hadn’t seen Natasha's texts to me, or mine to her. He just wanted to go home. Home? Home. No he wouldn’t see me. No he wouldn’t explain…
“Natasha's asked me to come home because she’s scared.”
“Of what?” I scoffed.
“Of you.”
“WHAT?!” I could hear a psycho in my voice that had never been there before. Natasha never had reason to fear me until the moment she dragged me down to her level. I couldn’t bare for Alex to think that I was the psycho and that she, Natasha, was the innocent victim.
Natasha, who threw beer bottles, and dangled her son before his father like bait, and called me to torture me with lies about their sex life, and who tore up photos and threw clothes in the pool and ran off with Ben to Mt Eliza and kicked and screamed in front of Alex's clients.
Then I was furious at myself for sounding so psycho. The subsequent anger didn’t help me sound like any less of a head-case. Tears streamed faster than ever and I begged Alex just to see me and talk to me.
He would not. He just wanted to go home.
After we hung up the phone I bawled, sitting there in the car in the dark. I let the snot run down my chin and my face screw up and I writhed like a dying animal, while simultaneously forwarding him the text messages Natasha and I had sent each other that afternoon, desperate to show him that I was not the crazy liar.
Somehow my despair was not quite deep enough to stop me seeking out a friend though. I called Ellen, who lived two blocks away from where I was parked, woke her up and begged her to let me come see her. I was so desperate for someone to wrap me in their arms. I was desperate for Alex to wrap me in his arms, but Ellen would do for now.
I left Ellen after about half an hour. It was enough. My grief subsided. But anger followed.
Revolting thoughts ran through my head. The kinds of thoughts I would have only believed Natasha capable of, but which I had somehow now inherited.
I was so angry with myself for being taken in by such a weak, shallow, WEAK man. The word wouldn’t leave my mind. He was disgusting to me. Three nights! he had managed to stay away before crawling back. He was going back to his loveless life because it was the easy option in the short-term, and because it was cheaper.
“I can’t believe u ended us with a txt & won’t even face me once now. U r answering 2 her blackmail once agen & letting her use ur son as bait”
“Please try to understand I have a family. I’m sorry lily.”
I was angry at myself, but I was angrier at Alex and Natasha. I thought about going to their house and yelling for Alex to come out and face me. And in my head I saw Natasha come out instead, since Alex was such a coward, and I saw myself punching her collagen-injected face and tearing at her bleached-blonde hair. Then I thought, “no – revenge is a dish best served cold”, and I saw myself wordlessly shoving a positive pregnancy test in front of her face, and gleefully watching her try to comprehend what it meant. I even drove to a chemist on Centre Rd on the off-chance that it would be open 24 hours. It was not.
Ideas flashed through my head. I considered calling the police, to make an anonymous “tip-off” that Natasha was a child-abuser.
In the end I went home, and decided that there lay the fundamental difference between the two of us. Anyone is capable of thinking such things, but most people don’t act out all their thoughts.
Friday 9 November 2007
Text
Needless to say, I could not get Alex and Natasha and Ben out of my head. On Friday I texted him.
“I’m so lost alex”
Some hours later I received a message from Natasha.
“Stop texting alex. He is not answering your texts because its over. Our family is what he wants, not you. So please leave us alone. We are in love & have been for years, you came along during a rough patch & sadly you got hurt but it’s over.”
I laughed and looked at the message in disgust but my heart thudded in my ribcage as I replied.
“if u think that what u’ve got is love then I sincerely pity you natasha”
Soon the phone chimed again.
“alex asked me to marry him last night. You have known him for a few weeks. You don’t even know him.”
I smiled smugly, but started to feel anger boiling. I was beginning to hate her.
“u r delusional. I hope u recover soon”
She said, “You are a stalker leave him alone. And ps. He thinks you are ugly! And a slut.”
I couldn’t believe I was texting a successful, thirty-eight year old career woman and mother. A fifteen year old is more cutting.
I texted, “why bother with lies when the truth is so much sadder? The fact that a guy like alex can b inescapably tied 2 a mole like u is heartbreaking”
Ten minutes later though, I received a message from Alex.
“Hi lily, I’ve been thinking and I’ve realized I need my family back. I love them. Please understand. Alex”
Without missing a beat I replied.
“Natasha, what a wanky thing to do. I’m not utterly stupid. Try harder.”
“I’m so lost alex”
Some hours later I received a message from Natasha.
“Stop texting alex. He is not answering your texts because its over. Our family is what he wants, not you. So please leave us alone. We are in love & have been for years, you came along during a rough patch & sadly you got hurt but it’s over.”
I laughed and looked at the message in disgust but my heart thudded in my ribcage as I replied.
“if u think that what u’ve got is love then I sincerely pity you natasha”
Soon the phone chimed again.
“alex asked me to marry him last night. You have known him for a few weeks. You don’t even know him.”
I smiled smugly, but started to feel anger boiling. I was beginning to hate her.
“u r delusional. I hope u recover soon”
She said, “You are a stalker leave him alone. And ps. He thinks you are ugly! And a slut.”
I couldn’t believe I was texting a successful, thirty-eight year old career woman and mother. A fifteen year old is more cutting.
I texted, “why bother with lies when the truth is so much sadder? The fact that a guy like alex can b inescapably tied 2 a mole like u is heartbreaking”
Ten minutes later though, I received a message from Alex.
“Hi lily, I’ve been thinking and I’ve realized I need my family back. I love them. Please understand. Alex”
Without missing a beat I replied.
“Natasha, what a wanky thing to do. I’m not utterly stupid. Try harder.”
Thursday 8 November 2007
Premiere
Thursday morning promised a big day. The film I had been publicising was to premiere that night.
“Morning Lily, have a great day and night, I’m sure it will be fantastic. I’m with Ben all day and night, I’m going to smother him in kisses!”
It seemed that as per usual, Natasha's promises of never letting Alex see his son again had not materialized.
“haha, poor Ben! Save sum grown up kisses 4 me! I hope u enjoy every second & don’t let a single negative thought creep in. hav a wonderful time. Ur beautiful”
The premiere was a huge success and I was excited to be introduced to some television producers who said they would love to have me as a production assistant. As the night wound down, I text messaged Alex.
“hello, I’m guessing ur asleep.. hope u had a good day. 2nite was gr8 but wish u were here. I’m sending lots of kisses & cuddles ur way :-) miss u xx”
He was not asleep.
“I’m watching the footy show. Glad you had a good night. You are crazy to like me I’m damaged!”
“I can’t help liking u, & we already knew I was crazy. Sum ppl becum ugly wen they get damaged but not u. ur lovely & I’m lucky 2 know u”
“you’re about to move to la la land and I’ve got another little fella on the way. Run away!”
“is she still saying she’s pregz? Make her prove it, don’t let her enslave u with sumthing that could b bullshit. Put urself 1st, just 4 this 1 thing”
“I’ve seen the test it’s confirmed!”
I showed the text message to Ellen across the back seat of the darkened car and felt my eyes prick with tears.
We spoke on the phone for two and a half hours late into that night.
Alex told me how years ago he’d been in love with Natasha. She’d wanted children and had given him the ultimatum that he must either get her pregnant or get out. He loved her, so he did. I figured the truth must be a combination of that and the story he’d told me previously, about wanting to leave but staying when she fell pregnant.
I wanted to know what Natasha looked like. She was blonde apparently. She looked 28 even though she was 38 because she’d had cosmetic surgery. She had big fake tits.
I couldn’t understand what Natasha saw in Alex. I knew what I liked about him, but from my impressions of Natasha's values and personality couldn’t imagine her liking the same characteristics. He said he was her toy boy, her trophy boyfriend. I could imagine that. A woman like Natasha couldn’t bear to have people wonder why she was single. She’d have to have someone she could introduce to everyone and know that he would never embarrass her. He was certainly charming.
Alex had spoken to a friend who was a lawyer. The friend didn’t think Alex had a chance to win custody of Ben. The law was designed to favour and protect women in positions of care. I thought he should fight anyway. She had shown violent behaviour, and at one time had taken Ben and run off to stay in Mt Eliza without telling Alex.
Alex still wanted to see me. He didn’t know what to do. I told him I deserved better and that our relationship was supposed to be fun, yet I still begged him not to go back to her.
As always, Alex talked about Ben.
When I expressed my feelings towards Natasha, Alex defended her. That hurt.
“Morning Lily, have a great day and night, I’m sure it will be fantastic. I’m with Ben all day and night, I’m going to smother him in kisses!”
It seemed that as per usual, Natasha's promises of never letting Alex see his son again had not materialized.
“haha, poor Ben! Save sum grown up kisses 4 me! I hope u enjoy every second & don’t let a single negative thought creep in. hav a wonderful time. Ur beautiful”
The premiere was a huge success and I was excited to be introduced to some television producers who said they would love to have me as a production assistant. As the night wound down, I text messaged Alex.
“hello, I’m guessing ur asleep.. hope u had a good day. 2nite was gr8 but wish u were here. I’m sending lots of kisses & cuddles ur way :-) miss u xx”
He was not asleep.
“I’m watching the footy show. Glad you had a good night. You are crazy to like me I’m damaged!”
“I can’t help liking u, & we already knew I was crazy. Sum ppl becum ugly wen they get damaged but not u. ur lovely & I’m lucky 2 know u”
“you’re about to move to la la land and I’ve got another little fella on the way. Run away!”
“is she still saying she’s pregz? Make her prove it, don’t let her enslave u with sumthing that could b bullshit. Put urself 1st, just 4 this 1 thing”
“I’ve seen the test it’s confirmed!”
I showed the text message to Ellen across the back seat of the darkened car and felt my eyes prick with tears.
We spoke on the phone for two and a half hours late into that night.
Alex told me how years ago he’d been in love with Natasha. She’d wanted children and had given him the ultimatum that he must either get her pregnant or get out. He loved her, so he did. I figured the truth must be a combination of that and the story he’d told me previously, about wanting to leave but staying when she fell pregnant.
I wanted to know what Natasha looked like. She was blonde apparently. She looked 28 even though she was 38 because she’d had cosmetic surgery. She had big fake tits.
I couldn’t understand what Natasha saw in Alex. I knew what I liked about him, but from my impressions of Natasha's values and personality couldn’t imagine her liking the same characteristics. He said he was her toy boy, her trophy boyfriend. I could imagine that. A woman like Natasha couldn’t bear to have people wonder why she was single. She’d have to have someone she could introduce to everyone and know that he would never embarrass her. He was certainly charming.
Alex had spoken to a friend who was a lawyer. The friend didn’t think Alex had a chance to win custody of Ben. The law was designed to favour and protect women in positions of care. I thought he should fight anyway. She had shown violent behaviour, and at one time had taken Ben and run off to stay in Mt Eliza without telling Alex.
Alex still wanted to see me. He didn’t know what to do. I told him I deserved better and that our relationship was supposed to be fun, yet I still begged him not to go back to her.
As always, Alex talked about Ben.
When I expressed my feelings towards Natasha, Alex defended her. That hurt.
Tuesday 6 November 2007
Wednesday
On Wednesday Natasha told Alex via text message that she was pregnant. I insisted that he shouldn’t believe it. I was utterly convinced that it was just another lie to torture him and try to make him bend to her will. He was less sure. It was supposed to have been conceived the last time they’d had sex; a few days before Alex and I first kissed.
“Didn’t you say you used the withdrawal method then though?”
“I may not have been as careful with Natasha as I was with you.”
“Didn’t you say you used the withdrawal method then though?”
“I may not have been as careful with Natasha as I was with you.”
Monday 5 November 2007
Oops
Tuesday, the day Alex was to move into his mate's place, was a different story.
I was on a corner of Lygon St, walking towards Melbourne Uni with some women in chains in tow, posing as slaves, when my mobile phone rang. I answered the unfamiliar number neutrally.
“Hello, Lily speaking.”
The voice that answered me was so sharp it could cut your throat.
“Hi Lily, this is Natasha, Alex's girlfriend.”
My stomach sunk into my shoes, my legs felt dead, my hands started to shake and perspire and not much of the world made sense anymore as my brain went instantly numb. I barely remember the conversation. I do remember that I calmly responded,
“Hi Natasha, how are you?”
Normally good at lying, improvisation and remaining somewhat calm under questioning, that one polite reply was all I could muster before things fell apart. I remember thinking how bright the sun was and how Lygon St was so busy and how I mustn’t let the people I was working with hear the conversation. What I needed to think was, “deny everything” but it didn’t cross my mind.
Natasha interrogated me briefly. All I could manage was one and two and three word answers, like a dumb thirteen year old in an adult situation she doesn’t understand. They were the wrong answers though.
When I had filled out the contact form on Alex's website to let him know I wouldn’t sleep with anyone at the snow the email had arrived in both Alex and Natasha's inboxes, as Alex was using an email address on Natasha's company’s server at the time.
I was on a corner of Lygon St, walking towards Melbourne Uni with some women in chains in tow, posing as slaves, when my mobile phone rang. I answered the unfamiliar number neutrally.
“Hello, Lily speaking.”
The voice that answered me was so sharp it could cut your throat.
“Hi Lily, this is Natasha, Alex's girlfriend.”
My stomach sunk into my shoes, my legs felt dead, my hands started to shake and perspire and not much of the world made sense anymore as my brain went instantly numb. I barely remember the conversation. I do remember that I calmly responded,
“Hi Natasha, how are you?”
Normally good at lying, improvisation and remaining somewhat calm under questioning, that one polite reply was all I could muster before things fell apart. I remember thinking how bright the sun was and how Lygon St was so busy and how I mustn’t let the people I was working with hear the conversation. What I needed to think was, “deny everything” but it didn’t cross my mind.
Natasha interrogated me briefly. All I could manage was one and two and three word answers, like a dumb thirteen year old in an adult situation she doesn’t understand. They were the wrong answers though.
When I had filled out the contact form on Alex's website to let him know I wouldn’t sleep with anyone at the snow the email had arrived in both Alex and Natasha's inboxes, as Alex was using an email address on Natasha's company’s server at the time.
Sunday 4 November 2007
Monday
On Monday we were somewhat walking on sunshine. Although previously we had thought that Alex would not be able to come to film premiere with me on Thursday - Natasha would be in Sydney and he would need to be home to take care of Ben - her plans had changed and therefore so did ours. It was decided that we would go out for dinner before the film, then attend the premiere and then I would stay the night at his place for the first time as his plans were to move out on the Tuesday. In my head I excitedly planned which sexy dress I would wear to make his jaw drop and want to get me home as soon as possible, and which I hoped would make him proud to be seen with me, despite our age difference. He assured me that day though that as soon as he had moved out away from Natasha he would not have the slightest problem with being publicly affectionate towards me and would kiss and cuddle me no matter who saw.
We talked excitedly of occasional sleepovers at his place. Would I be sleeping over or just coming to see him and then leaving? he wanted to know. He was pleased that it would be both. But when he asked whether my parents would be fine with that I had to tell him that they must never find out about him. Alex was disappointed. Not only did he not want me to lie but he was hoping to meet my parents. He needed to be part of a family, he said. I told him that my family could never accept him at this point in my life. We skated over the issue pretty quickly though, and returned to happier topics.
In the afternoon I received,
“I’m taking you away for a weekend soon, can you handle it? It will mean we can’t be separated.”
And then later,
“I love studying your body. I plan on studying it very hard and often!”
Still later though Natasha's plans changed again and Alex had to cancel our date. Though disappointed, we planned instead that I would come to the football with Alex on Friday night and then stay with him. I would meet one of his close mates, and he begged me to try to think of a girlfriend to come along who might be interested in his friend.
It was a very hopeful day.
We talked excitedly of occasional sleepovers at his place. Would I be sleeping over or just coming to see him and then leaving? he wanted to know. He was pleased that it would be both. But when he asked whether my parents would be fine with that I had to tell him that they must never find out about him. Alex was disappointed. Not only did he not want me to lie but he was hoping to meet my parents. He needed to be part of a family, he said. I told him that my family could never accept him at this point in my life. We skated over the issue pretty quickly though, and returned to happier topics.
In the afternoon I received,
“I’m taking you away for a weekend soon, can you handle it? It will mean we can’t be separated.”
And then later,
“I love studying your body. I plan on studying it very hard and often!”
Still later though Natasha's plans changed again and Alex had to cancel our date. Though disappointed, we planned instead that I would come to the football with Alex on Friday night and then stay with him. I would meet one of his close mates, and he begged me to try to think of a girlfriend to come along who might be interested in his friend.
It was a very hopeful day.
Wednesday 17 October 2007
Weekend away
With Alex still living with Natasha and with both of our long working hours and my lack of transport it was difficult to see one another, but we continued to get to know each other better and better as we still spoke on the phone every day, and often many times a day. As far as either of us was willing to admit on the surface, the relationship was still a mere friendship with casual sex, but the way we acted and talked did not support such labeling.
On Friday the 10th of August I was all set for a weekend at the snow with my rover crew and a couple of other rover crews. Before I left, Alex asked me if I was going to have sex with someone else while I was away. I replied that it wasn’t likely as I was fairly sure of all the guys that would be attending and I wasn’t attracted to any of them. After some conversation, Alex admitted that he wouldn’t like it if I had sex with anyone else.I was pleased and flattered by his admission but as I was still trying to be immune to feelings for him I teasingly said that I would do what I like and if the opportunity arose then I wouldn’t say no. He had left me with a warm glow though, and in a sense given my feelings the permission they wanted to exist. I decided to email him through his website.
Name: Lily
Email Address: lily.lane.blog@gmail.com
Phone Number:
Message: Surprise!
I'm just about to go to the snow. I don't know if I'll have phone reception there but if not feel free to leave me a sexy message!The session time for the film premiere is 6:45pm next Thursday. I hope you can make it but please don't worry if you can't; I'm not so ridiculous as to take it personally.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm not going to have sex with anyone else at the snow, or even kiss them for that matter (unless they are female in which case I will go right ahead because I know you will love to hear about it). Please don't have sex with anyone else this weekend either?
Have an awesome weekend, but don't forget about me :-)
See you,
love Lily xx
Once I knew from his text that Alex had received my email I felt safe to go back to teasing and let him know that there were some new guys I hadn’t met before staying in our chalet. Like his “hot sex” text message that I had received at the train station, my message found Alex at the wrong time. I don’t remember his reply but it was negative enough that I called him straight away on my mobile to apologise and make sure he was okay. It was a Saturday night and he was drunk and depressed at home with a friend over, and Ben upstairs in bed after a long night of yet more abuse from Natasha.
I did my best to cheer him up on the phone and when the call was over I paused for a moment on the bunk bed I was lying on, overwhelmed by some feeling that had no name.The text message I sent was,
“nxt time the whole world is against u just call me ok? I will cheer u up, I promise! I’m crazy about u! (in a non-scary way)”
The reply was,
“Thanku for being crazy, I’m crazy too, just for you.”
And then one hour later,
“Just so there’s no confusion, I think you’re beautiful. Xxx”
The unnamed feeling did not go away. For the rest of the time at the snow (only another twenty-four hours) I was as full of thoughts of Alex as usual, but more full of feelings for him than ever. It seemed clear that the sentiment was mutual, though all was conveyed by text message. I still tried to hold my cards close to my chest, terrified of scaring him away with my feelings but it became harder as he became more open. When I asked him on Sunday morning what his plans for the day were his response was the very confusing,
“Ikea! Gym, arguing with Natasha and buying heaps of steak! This is for you xox!! And a happy ending. I can’t wait to keep trying.”
When I questioned what on earth he meant his response was,
“Sorry I’m not very bright. As soon as you get back I’m going to strip you naked, give you an all over body massage, kiss you from head to toe with special consideration given to certain areas! You’re hot!!”
The secretive smile I couldn’t help but carry constantly that afternoon as we packed away our things and cleaned the chalet was remarked on by more than one person.
[Note: The visit to Ikea and purchases of steak were the result of Alex's plans to move out on the Tuesday of that week. He had finally resorted to temporarily taking a room in the flat of a good friend of his. “I can’t wait to keep trying” refers to the fact that I had never had an orgasm in my life; a problem he was determined to fix.]
On Friday the 10th of August I was all set for a weekend at the snow with my rover crew and a couple of other rover crews. Before I left, Alex asked me if I was going to have sex with someone else while I was away. I replied that it wasn’t likely as I was fairly sure of all the guys that would be attending and I wasn’t attracted to any of them. After some conversation, Alex admitted that he wouldn’t like it if I had sex with anyone else.I was pleased and flattered by his admission but as I was still trying to be immune to feelings for him I teasingly said that I would do what I like and if the opportunity arose then I wouldn’t say no. He had left me with a warm glow though, and in a sense given my feelings the permission they wanted to exist. I decided to email him through his website.
Name: Lily
Email Address: lily.lane.blog@gmail.com
Phone Number:
Message: Surprise!
I'm just about to go to the snow. I don't know if I'll have phone reception there but if not feel free to leave me a sexy message!The session time for the film premiere is 6:45pm next Thursday. I hope you can make it but please don't worry if you can't; I'm not so ridiculous as to take it personally.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm not going to have sex with anyone else at the snow, or even kiss them for that matter (unless they are female in which case I will go right ahead because I know you will love to hear about it). Please don't have sex with anyone else this weekend either?
Have an awesome weekend, but don't forget about me :-)
See you,
love Lily xx
Once I knew from his text that Alex had received my email I felt safe to go back to teasing and let him know that there were some new guys I hadn’t met before staying in our chalet. Like his “hot sex” text message that I had received at the train station, my message found Alex at the wrong time. I don’t remember his reply but it was negative enough that I called him straight away on my mobile to apologise and make sure he was okay. It was a Saturday night and he was drunk and depressed at home with a friend over, and Ben upstairs in bed after a long night of yet more abuse from Natasha.
I did my best to cheer him up on the phone and when the call was over I paused for a moment on the bunk bed I was lying on, overwhelmed by some feeling that had no name.The text message I sent was,
“nxt time the whole world is against u just call me ok? I will cheer u up, I promise! I’m crazy about u! (in a non-scary way)”
The reply was,
“Thanku for being crazy, I’m crazy too, just for you.”
And then one hour later,
“Just so there’s no confusion, I think you’re beautiful. Xxx”
The unnamed feeling did not go away. For the rest of the time at the snow (only another twenty-four hours) I was as full of thoughts of Alex as usual, but more full of feelings for him than ever. It seemed clear that the sentiment was mutual, though all was conveyed by text message. I still tried to hold my cards close to my chest, terrified of scaring him away with my feelings but it became harder as he became more open. When I asked him on Sunday morning what his plans for the day were his response was the very confusing,
“Ikea! Gym, arguing with Natasha and buying heaps of steak! This is for you xox!! And a happy ending. I can’t wait to keep trying.”
When I questioned what on earth he meant his response was,
“Sorry I’m not very bright. As soon as you get back I’m going to strip you naked, give you an all over body massage, kiss you from head to toe with special consideration given to certain areas! You’re hot!!”
The secretive smile I couldn’t help but carry constantly that afternoon as we packed away our things and cleaned the chalet was remarked on by more than one person.
[Note: The visit to Ikea and purchases of steak were the result of Alex's plans to move out on the Tuesday of that week. He had finally resorted to temporarily taking a room in the flat of a good friend of his. “I can’t wait to keep trying” refers to the fact that I had never had an orgasm in my life; a problem he was determined to fix.]
Tuesday 16 October 2007
Sexy pants
Soon Alex invited me to come and have breakfast with him in the restaurant at the range. He begged me to wear ‘the pants’. ‘The pants’ were the pair of soft black pants I sometimes wear to work and were the first pants Alex ever saw and admired my arse in. The night before our breakfast date I text messaged him to tell him I couldn’t wait to show him a surprise.
We had breakfast at the restaurant and Alex introduced me to Bill. He asked Bill how old he thought I was; Bill answered “about nineteen” and once again Alex repeated his surprise. While we waited for our breakfasts Alex got up to get juices for us and when he sat back down, told me quietly what Bill had just said in admiration of my figure. Alex did things like that all the time. He complimented me so often that I was forced to learn to take compliments purely by the fact that he’d flood me with them. He was never insincere or grand about it, he’d just constantly slip in comments to make me feel good. When I was talking to Alex or when I was around him I would always be totally convinced that I was the sexiest, smartest girl around.
After breakfast we slipped into the teaching shed.
“We’re not allowed to have sex today though”, I said.
“Why’s that?”
“Because the last couple of times freaked me out too much, I’m terrified of getting pregnant. So because we obviously can’t be trusted the rulethat we’re not allowed to have sex until I get that contraceptive shot in my arm.”
He agreed. So I showed him my surprise. I took his hand in mine and slipped it inside ‘the pants’ so that he could feel the silky smooth skin between my legs; I’d had my first Brazilian ever the day before. is now
Before long I was slouched on a chair, legs spread, while he used his tongue to send shuddering waves of heat through my body. When eventually I said breathlessly, “Hey Alex? Let’s just do it”, he didn’t need telling twice.
We had breakfast at the restaurant and Alex introduced me to Bill. He asked Bill how old he thought I was; Bill answered “about nineteen” and once again Alex repeated his surprise. While we waited for our breakfasts Alex got up to get juices for us and when he sat back down, told me quietly what Bill had just said in admiration of my figure. Alex did things like that all the time. He complimented me so often that I was forced to learn to take compliments purely by the fact that he’d flood me with them. He was never insincere or grand about it, he’d just constantly slip in comments to make me feel good. When I was talking to Alex or when I was around him I would always be totally convinced that I was the sexiest, smartest girl around.
After breakfast we slipped into the teaching shed.
“We’re not allowed to have sex today though”, I said.
“Why’s that?”
“Because the last couple of times freaked me out too much, I’m terrified of getting pregnant. So because we obviously can’t be trusted the rulethat we’re not allowed to have sex until I get that contraceptive shot in my arm.”
He agreed. So I showed him my surprise. I took his hand in mine and slipped it inside ‘the pants’ so that he could feel the silky smooth skin between my legs; I’d had my first Brazilian ever the day before. is now
Before long I was slouched on a chair, legs spread, while he used his tongue to send shuddering waves of heat through my body. When eventually I said breathlessly, “Hey Alex? Let’s just do it”, he didn’t need telling twice.
Monday 15 October 2007
Hesitations
Alex was very picky about where he lived. He had to live in Elsternwick. “I just really like that area” and “you have to understand how lazy Natasha is. If I’m more than five minutes away she just won’t bother”. He had to have a modern, spacious house with central heating. And most importantly, the house had to be close to a park for Ben. “I just want to get a place that Ben will like.”
A couple of times he said that he was considering moving into a house that he and Natasha and Ben had once lived in that was now up for rent. He knew it would be a good house for Ben. Eventually he applied for it.
“I got the house but I’m not moving in there.”
“What? Why not? It’s taken you ages to get house! You’ve been trying to move out for months!”
“I couldn’t do it Lily-pily. I just kept thinking of Ben and all the good times we had there. I can’t do it Lil. I can’t leave little Ben.”
A couple of times he said that he was considering moving into a house that he and Natasha and Ben had once lived in that was now up for rent. He knew it would be a good house for Ben. Eventually he applied for it.
“I got the house but I’m not moving in there.”
“What? Why not? It’s taken you ages to get house! You’ve been trying to move out for months!”
“I couldn’t do it Lily-pily. I just kept thinking of Ben and all the good times we had there. I can’t do it Lil. I can’t leave little Ben.”
Sunday 14 October 2007
Natasha and Ben
Sometimes I asked Alex about Natasha. He had told me a few times, “I swore I’d never live a loveless life”. Natasha was a career woman; the best-known and most successful publicist in Melbourne according to Alex. She also had a short temper and had thrown a bottle at Alex in his sleep once - he had sent a complimentary text message to a young female student of his as she was an unattractive girl and very down on herself.
Natasha would talk over Alex.
“She’s one of those people who always has to talk over the top of you. There’s nothing I hate more than people who talk over the top of other people. Don’t you hate that? When people talk over the top of you?”
I wanted to know why Alex had stayed with her for so long.
“I can remember years ago, lying in bed and thinking, ‘I’ll just give her Christmas. I’ll stay until Christmas’ and then next thing you know, Natasha was pregnant with Ben.”
Every time Alex talked about Ben his eyes would light up. He would tell me what it was like “having your own little person”, about how cute or “hot” Ben was, and about the way Ben would crawl into Alex's bed downstairs in the morning and wriggle up next to him and ask, innocent as anything, “Go to Bonkers?”
Natasha would talk over Alex.
“She’s one of those people who always has to talk over the top of you. There’s nothing I hate more than people who talk over the top of other people. Don’t you hate that? When people talk over the top of you?”
I wanted to know why Alex had stayed with her for so long.
“I can remember years ago, lying in bed and thinking, ‘I’ll just give her Christmas. I’ll stay until Christmas’ and then next thing you know, Natasha was pregnant with Ben.”
Every time Alex talked about Ben his eyes would light up. He would tell me what it was like “having your own little person”, about how cute or “hot” Ben was, and about the way Ben would crawl into Alex's bed downstairs in the morning and wriggle up next to him and ask, innocent as anything, “Go to Bonkers?”
Saturday 13 October 2007
Not exactly make up sex.
Two days later, a Sunday, I was sitting in the cold collecting money from market parking to raise money to replace the roof of the Dingley Scout Hall. Alex called to find out what I was doing and would I like to come and see him as he had some time free at the range that afternoon. There was none of the tension in his words and voice that I had been expecting; Friday night’s text messages were never referred to. Clearly they had not had the same impact on him as they had had on me.
I rushed as quickly as I could from Dingley to the range, prepared to only have half an hour with him as I had volunteered to take some friends home from Dingley. As you’d expect, as soon as I arrived we wanted to finish what we’d begun in the doorway of my house the last time we'd seen each other. When we tried again though I found that it hurt me too much as he was penetrating me quite deeply, and that I was too nervous as neither of us had protection (and I’m an idiot who needs to learn to say no). I told him the problems and stopped him, pulled my pants back on and knelt down to give him head instead. After I had been going at it for a short while though he grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me to my feet, yanked my pants down, spun me round, bent me over, fucked me briefly and then finished on my lower back. A funny scene followed as he realized that he hadn’t planned for this moment and searched the office for something to clean me up with while I remained bent over and exposed, calling “don’t you dare leave me like this Alex!”
Even though it hurt again when he penetrated me the second time I didn’t mind at the time, but I have still never dared analyse the scene for fear of hating what I find.
I rushed as quickly as I could from Dingley to the range, prepared to only have half an hour with him as I had volunteered to take some friends home from Dingley. As you’d expect, as soon as I arrived we wanted to finish what we’d begun in the doorway of my house the last time we'd seen each other. When we tried again though I found that it hurt me too much as he was penetrating me quite deeply, and that I was too nervous as neither of us had protection (and I’m an idiot who needs to learn to say no). I told him the problems and stopped him, pulled my pants back on and knelt down to give him head instead. After I had been going at it for a short while though he grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me to my feet, yanked my pants down, spun me round, bent me over, fucked me briefly and then finished on my lower back. A funny scene followed as he realized that he hadn’t planned for this moment and searched the office for something to clean me up with while I remained bent over and exposed, calling “don’t you dare leave me like this Alex!”
Even though it hurt again when he penetrated me the second time I didn’t mind at the time, but I have still never dared analyse the scene for fear of hating what I find.
Messy things
The more time I spent talking to Alex the more I liked him. This scared me to begin with as prior to Alex I had been very comfortable with the attitude that I did not need or want to have feelings for a man. Due to the our difficult circumstances (i.e. age difference, Alex living with his ex-girlfriend and having two year old son and me wanting to move to New Zealand) I had been confident that we had stumbled on a great formula for a casual sexual relationship and friendship. There was now no question though that I seriously enjoyed his company and conversation and was becoming attached. I explored these feelings and fortunately came to the conclusion that yes, I did have feelings for him but they were not strong enough to cause me trouble and furthermore that had he asked me to be his girlfriend I would certainly have refused.
The presence of these feelings though meant that I found I had a defensive reaction to Alex's teasing about wanting to use him for sex. Any time he jokingly suggested that my attraction to him was purely physical I would contradict him and tell him that I liked him for his personality too. I had actually told him this from the beginning but he would ignore it and the more attached to him I became the more important to me it was that I made him understand this.
One freezing cold Friday evening after a long day working on the film I accidentally caught a Cranbourne train instead of a Frankston train and found myself in Murrumbeena before I realized my mistake. Frustrated, cold and tired I text messaged Alex to complain about what had happened, quietly hoping that he would offer to come and pick me up though knowing full-well that it was highly unlikely that he could. He didn’t offer. After some minutes of boredom while waiting for another train to take me back to Caulfield I text messaged him again, asking him to tell me something good, to help keep me warm. He responded, “I want to have lots of hot sex with you!” Under ordinary circumstances this would have made me blush and smile and start daydreaming but it was the wrong time for it. As can so often happen with a text conversation, a series of misinterpretations followed in which I tried to explain my feelings and desires in foolishly complicated ways. Confusion built until Alex said bluntly that he hated games. Terrified that I had somehow managed to screw up our entire friendship (or relationship?) for absolutely no reason at all I took my time to carefully spell out a long message that I hoped would make things go back to normal. I received no response and no phone call the following day.
The presence of these feelings though meant that I found I had a defensive reaction to Alex's teasing about wanting to use him for sex. Any time he jokingly suggested that my attraction to him was purely physical I would contradict him and tell him that I liked him for his personality too. I had actually told him this from the beginning but he would ignore it and the more attached to him I became the more important to me it was that I made him understand this.
One freezing cold Friday evening after a long day working on the film I accidentally caught a Cranbourne train instead of a Frankston train and found myself in Murrumbeena before I realized my mistake. Frustrated, cold and tired I text messaged Alex to complain about what had happened, quietly hoping that he would offer to come and pick me up though knowing full-well that it was highly unlikely that he could. He didn’t offer. After some minutes of boredom while waiting for another train to take me back to Caulfield I text messaged him again, asking him to tell me something good, to help keep me warm. He responded, “I want to have lots of hot sex with you!” Under ordinary circumstances this would have made me blush and smile and start daydreaming but it was the wrong time for it. As can so often happen with a text conversation, a series of misinterpretations followed in which I tried to explain my feelings and desires in foolishly complicated ways. Confusion built until Alex said bluntly that he hated games. Terrified that I had somehow managed to screw up our entire friendship (or relationship?) for absolutely no reason at all I took my time to carefully spell out a long message that I hoped would make things go back to normal. I received no response and no phone call the following day.
Saturday 22 September 2007
Priorities
One day, not long after we had discovered our mutual attraction, we arranged that I would come and visit Alex at the range. When I arrived Alex was finishing with Dave. I don’t know whether it was my own paranoia or if I genuinely read subtle suspicion in Dave's eyes as ALex introduced me. Alex asked Dave how old he thought I was and when told “about nineteen or twenty” voiced his disbelief that anyone could tell that as he had been sure I was twenty-six. When Dave wished me a good lesson Alex responded that actually we were going for a drive today and led me away.
In the car Alex teased me about my sex drive as usual, showing obvious delight in my blushing admissions. We were headed to Elsternwick to see an apartment Alex was considering. In the car though, Alex checked his text messages and found that Natasha was in a bad mood, telling him he had to get out by the end of the week and demanding that he forfeit his entire share of the house they owned together to her, plus continue the mortgage repayments on it as child support. She would, of course, be keeping Ben. We arrived at the apartment before the real estate agent and sat in the car. Alex wouldn’t let me kiss him in case the real estate agent saw and it somehow got back to Natasha who would make things worse for him. I got out and used a swing in the park while he phoned her.
Yet again the apartment did not meet Alex's standards and he took a detour on the way back to the range to show me one of the houses he and Natasha had once lived in. We got stuck in a traffic jam caused by faulty boom gates along the Frankston train line and by the time he had dropped me home he had only fifteen minutes until his next lesson, which would take ten minutes to drive to. He was busting for the toilet so badly though that he jumped out of the car at my house to go. I had to wrestle and pull him away from seeing my highly embarrassing bedroom. We paused in the doorway of my house for a quick kiss goodbye before he was to dash for his lesson. Too quickly though we were pressed against the wall, kissing passionately, and soon his hand was inside my pants for the first time. I quickly changed from, “no, you have to go” to a whispered “stay, please stay”. In the next moment our pants were around our knees, my palms against the wall and with the door still open he was inside me. I closed the door so that the neighbours wouldn’t be subjected to my moaning and then, as fast as we had begun, he pulled out again, yanked his pants on, kissed me and backed out of the door saying “I’m sorry Lily, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life”, and was gone.
In the car Alex teased me about my sex drive as usual, showing obvious delight in my blushing admissions. We were headed to Elsternwick to see an apartment Alex was considering. In the car though, Alex checked his text messages and found that Natasha was in a bad mood, telling him he had to get out by the end of the week and demanding that he forfeit his entire share of the house they owned together to her, plus continue the mortgage repayments on it as child support. She would, of course, be keeping Ben. We arrived at the apartment before the real estate agent and sat in the car. Alex wouldn’t let me kiss him in case the real estate agent saw and it somehow got back to Natasha who would make things worse for him. I got out and used a swing in the park while he phoned her.
Yet again the apartment did not meet Alex's standards and he took a detour on the way back to the range to show me one of the houses he and Natasha had once lived in. We got stuck in a traffic jam caused by faulty boom gates along the Frankston train line and by the time he had dropped me home he had only fifteen minutes until his next lesson, which would take ten minutes to drive to. He was busting for the toilet so badly though that he jumped out of the car at my house to go. I had to wrestle and pull him away from seeing my highly embarrassing bedroom. We paused in the doorway of my house for a quick kiss goodbye before he was to dash for his lesson. Too quickly though we were pressed against the wall, kissing passionately, and soon his hand was inside my pants for the first time. I quickly changed from, “no, you have to go” to a whispered “stay, please stay”. In the next moment our pants were around our knees, my palms against the wall and with the door still open he was inside me. I closed the door so that the neighbours wouldn’t be subjected to my moaning and then, as fast as we had begun, he pulled out again, yanked his pants on, kissed me and backed out of the door saying “I’m sorry Lily, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life”, and was gone.
Tuesday 18 September 2007
In-between bits
Even though when I first started writing this account of my involvement with Alex the idea was to torture Natasha with every detail of our emotional and sexual interactions it’s difficult to remember when everything took place. Firsts and lasts are always easy to remember, but in betweens get jumbled around so that events and conversations become blurred and broken.
Alex and I talked on the phone a lot and snatched moments with each other whenever we could. We would speak on the phone almost every day, often in rushed snatches and often many times in a day. If Alex didn’t have to rush away for his next lesson though, half an hour would often slip away undetected and I’d walk back into the cold office at Albert Park, where I was working on promotion for a new film, pink-faced as I realized how long I had been away for. We were so different but we got along famously. Alex had so many stories and I never tire of listening to a good story-teller. I’d ask questions and offer opinions or analyses and often Alex would pause a moment and then compliment my maturity. We would debate the value of money. Alex loved to tease me about my sex drive. I got used to him calling me Lily-pily, which I had never allowed anyone else to do, and then just when I’d gotten used to that he started calling me Lano sometimes too, which was even weirder sounding to my ears.
We have so many tiny stories that I never want to forget but am coming close to forgetting already. I can’t remember so much of the mood and context that transforms a series of events into a story. Nevertheless, a list of events is still worth preserving if it’s all you have.
In the week following our first kiss I fell sick with a cold. When I told Alex he offered to come around with medicine and flowers.“Do you like tulips? All girls like tulips.”He asked for my address but was detained that day and didn’t make it. He said he’d send the flowers. They slipped his mind and never arrived. I didn’t mind; they would have caused awkward questions from my family anyway and I had a warm glow purely from his enthusiasm.
Alex and I talked on the phone a lot and snatched moments with each other whenever we could. We would speak on the phone almost every day, often in rushed snatches and often many times in a day. If Alex didn’t have to rush away for his next lesson though, half an hour would often slip away undetected and I’d walk back into the cold office at Albert Park, where I was working on promotion for a new film, pink-faced as I realized how long I had been away for. We were so different but we got along famously. Alex had so many stories and I never tire of listening to a good story-teller. I’d ask questions and offer opinions or analyses and often Alex would pause a moment and then compliment my maturity. We would debate the value of money. Alex loved to tease me about my sex drive. I got used to him calling me Lily-pily, which I had never allowed anyone else to do, and then just when I’d gotten used to that he started calling me Lano sometimes too, which was even weirder sounding to my ears.
We have so many tiny stories that I never want to forget but am coming close to forgetting already. I can’t remember so much of the mood and context that transforms a series of events into a story. Nevertheless, a list of events is still worth preserving if it’s all you have.
In the week following our first kiss I fell sick with a cold. When I told Alex he offered to come around with medicine and flowers.“Do you like tulips? All girls like tulips.”He asked for my address but was detained that day and didn’t make it. He said he’d send the flowers. They slipped his mind and never arrived. I didn’t mind; they would have caused awkward questions from my family anyway and I had a warm glow purely from his enthusiasm.
Monday 17 September 2007
Sunday
On Friday and Saturday we spoke on the phone and while I have no clue what we talked about, I remember that I was amazed at how easy it was. There was no awkwardness to our conversations and it was so obvious that neither of us was interested in playing games or manipulating each other, creating false expectations or images. We chatted easily and without nerves or tension. On Sunday he asked if I would come and visit him at the range for a while. With great difficulty I concocted an excuse to borrow my parents’ car and drive down to see him.
As expected, our established pattern of leaping on each other continued. Frustrated as I still had my period and wanting to take things a little further to ensure his continued interest and to maintain a trend of progress in our (for want of a better word) relationship, I decided to go down on him. [Note to self: Although it was fine with this man on this occasion, this is a TERRIBLE attitude towards sexual acts and will lead to you getting used.] He asked why I wouldn’t let him touch me and when I pressed my face into his shoulder in embarrassment he guessed that I had my period.
“You poor little bastard.”
He said that sentence so many times and with so much affection over the next few weeks.
That day he showed me more of the houses that he was looking at moving into, and told me of his dream to become a billionaire, and about his views on the value of money.
“Money is like air”, he said, “think about it, what would you do without money? You couldn’t live. You have to have money, it’s the most important thing.”
Our differences, not just in age and circumstances, but also in personality and values, started to show. I think it may also have been the first time he told me a little about Natasha, about his dyslexia, and briefly about his poor roots in Wangaratta.
At some point that afternoon Greg called Alex. Alex insisted that I speak to him so I took the phone awkwardly and apologized to Greg for the last time we had spoken while I was still working at the gym. I had called him and before I could get a word out had coughed in his ear as I had been very sick. As he had done on the phone once previously Greg again jokingly warned me to stay away from Alex as he was a sex maniac.
As expected, our established pattern of leaping on each other continued. Frustrated as I still had my period and wanting to take things a little further to ensure his continued interest and to maintain a trend of progress in our (for want of a better word) relationship, I decided to go down on him. [Note to self: Although it was fine with this man on this occasion, this is a TERRIBLE attitude towards sexual acts and will lead to you getting used.] He asked why I wouldn’t let him touch me and when I pressed my face into his shoulder in embarrassment he guessed that I had my period.
“You poor little bastard.”
He said that sentence so many times and with so much affection over the next few weeks.
That day he showed me more of the houses that he was looking at moving into, and told me of his dream to become a billionaire, and about his views on the value of money.
“Money is like air”, he said, “think about it, what would you do without money? You couldn’t live. You have to have money, it’s the most important thing.”
Our differences, not just in age and circumstances, but also in personality and values, started to show. I think it may also have been the first time he told me a little about Natasha, about his dyslexia, and briefly about his poor roots in Wangaratta.
At some point that afternoon Greg called Alex. Alex insisted that I speak to him so I took the phone awkwardly and apologized to Greg for the last time we had spoken while I was still working at the gym. I had called him and before I could get a word out had coughed in his ear as I had been very sick. As he had done on the phone once previously Greg again jokingly warned me to stay away from Alex as he was a sex maniac.
Sunday 16 September 2007
Thursday
Written 15/9/07.
A couple of months have somehow passed, so I’m not as clear on the details of everything that happened between us as I would have been had I continued to write about it after my first attempt on 18/8/07, but I think it is still worth writing down. Who knows what it can be used for one day? Perhaps not revenge and punishment as were my original intentions - hopefully I will never feel such anger and hate again. The whole situation has been so soap opera-like; perhaps I will create a television series one day.
After our first kiss – or rather kisses – I was on top of the world. For the first few minutes as they had been happening I was worried about Alex's involvement with Natasha. One of my determined sentiments in my initial personal battle about whether to go for the golf lesson after I phoned him for the first time was that I was absolutely not interested in being a home-wrecker. I didn’t want a broken relationship on my conscience and I wanted to combat a trend I had spotted in myself – a trend of having too much interest in men who were already very much attached. So, in the first few minutes I pulled away from Alex a couple of times, saying, “What about Natasha?”, and, “I can’t, you’re still involved!” His response to this was to ignore them and kiss me more; in fact when I reminded him a while later of my protestations he had completely forgotten them. The protestations didn’t last though. He had told me the relationship was over and I was more than happy to believe it and think that if it wasn’t then that was his concern and nothing to do with me.
The following day, a Thursday, we spoke on the phone briefly. He said he’d love to see me sooner rather than later. That afternoon I needed to pop into the gym to pick up some money from the staff to buy a going-away present for a girl who had resigned. While I was there I text messaged Alex to say that if he really meant sooner rather than later I could come down to the driving range and see him. He called me immediately to say that he had fifteen minutes spare between his last lesson and going out for dinner with a client. Without waiting for the invitation I knew was coming I said I’d see him in five minutes and dashed out of the gym with barely a word of goodbye.
A couple of minutes later I knocked nervously on the teaching shed door. Alex opened it immediately and instantly we wrapped around each other once more. We kissed like two people who had been daydreaming of exactly that all day long. Alex's hands roamed further over my body and we pulled each other around the room in frustration, wanting to take things further but recognizing the impropriety. I had my period and had to slap and push his hands away each time he tried to explore in more detail, but I offered no explanation other than a cheekily evasive smile. He could lift me so easily, wrap my legs around him and hold me there or push me up against the door. It turned me on so much, thinking of the things I wished we were doing. Every few minutes we’d force each other to stop so we could get out a quick sentence before pulling each other close again. “Alex, you have to go, you’re so late!”, or “Sorry buddy, I really gotta go”, or “I can’t believe you’re only nineteen, don’t you think I’m old?” After thirty-five minutes instead of the ten that we should have had, we finally made it out the door.
“I wish you could come with us to dinner but these people know Natasha.”
I couldn’t believe he would have been willing to introduce me to his friends, I had been sure he must be embarrassed about his involvement with a nineteen year old.
“Aren’t you two over though?”
“Yeah but she’s not really happy about it and if she knew about you she’d never let me see Ben again.”
Two meters later though we were around the corner of the teaching shed and locked together again. As I slapped his hand away yet again he said, “Hey Lily, you’re not a virgin are you?” I giggled and said no and “Why, do I act like one?”.
“Oh good, I was just making sure.”
When we finally parted and I was making my way down the grassy slope towards the car park I only just resisted the urge to dash up to the gap between the teaching shed and wind break and grab and kiss him as he walked past. As I looked at the gap his face appeared at it with his excited-little-boy grin on, waving to me.
A couple of months have somehow passed, so I’m not as clear on the details of everything that happened between us as I would have been had I continued to write about it after my first attempt on 18/8/07, but I think it is still worth writing down. Who knows what it can be used for one day? Perhaps not revenge and punishment as were my original intentions - hopefully I will never feel such anger and hate again. The whole situation has been so soap opera-like; perhaps I will create a television series one day.
After our first kiss – or rather kisses – I was on top of the world. For the first few minutes as they had been happening I was worried about Alex's involvement with Natasha. One of my determined sentiments in my initial personal battle about whether to go for the golf lesson after I phoned him for the first time was that I was absolutely not interested in being a home-wrecker. I didn’t want a broken relationship on my conscience and I wanted to combat a trend I had spotted in myself – a trend of having too much interest in men who were already very much attached. So, in the first few minutes I pulled away from Alex a couple of times, saying, “What about Natasha?”, and, “I can’t, you’re still involved!” His response to this was to ignore them and kiss me more; in fact when I reminded him a while later of my protestations he had completely forgotten them. The protestations didn’t last though. He had told me the relationship was over and I was more than happy to believe it and think that if it wasn’t then that was his concern and nothing to do with me.
The following day, a Thursday, we spoke on the phone briefly. He said he’d love to see me sooner rather than later. That afternoon I needed to pop into the gym to pick up some money from the staff to buy a going-away present for a girl who had resigned. While I was there I text messaged Alex to say that if he really meant sooner rather than later I could come down to the driving range and see him. He called me immediately to say that he had fifteen minutes spare between his last lesson and going out for dinner with a client. Without waiting for the invitation I knew was coming I said I’d see him in five minutes and dashed out of the gym with barely a word of goodbye.
A couple of minutes later I knocked nervously on the teaching shed door. Alex opened it immediately and instantly we wrapped around each other once more. We kissed like two people who had been daydreaming of exactly that all day long. Alex's hands roamed further over my body and we pulled each other around the room in frustration, wanting to take things further but recognizing the impropriety. I had my period and had to slap and push his hands away each time he tried to explore in more detail, but I offered no explanation other than a cheekily evasive smile. He could lift me so easily, wrap my legs around him and hold me there or push me up against the door. It turned me on so much, thinking of the things I wished we were doing. Every few minutes we’d force each other to stop so we could get out a quick sentence before pulling each other close again. “Alex, you have to go, you’re so late!”, or “Sorry buddy, I really gotta go”, or “I can’t believe you’re only nineteen, don’t you think I’m old?” After thirty-five minutes instead of the ten that we should have had, we finally made it out the door.
“I wish you could come with us to dinner but these people know Natasha.”
I couldn’t believe he would have been willing to introduce me to his friends, I had been sure he must be embarrassed about his involvement with a nineteen year old.
“Aren’t you two over though?”
“Yeah but she’s not really happy about it and if she knew about you she’d never let me see Ben again.”
Two meters later though we were around the corner of the teaching shed and locked together again. As I slapped his hand away yet again he said, “Hey Lily, you’re not a virgin are you?” I giggled and said no and “Why, do I act like one?”.
“Oh good, I was just making sure.”
When we finally parted and I was making my way down the grassy slope towards the car park I only just resisted the urge to dash up to the gap between the teaching shed and wind break and grab and kiss him as he walked past. As I looked at the gap his face appeared at it with his excited-little-boy grin on, waving to me.
Second attempt
I have a blog. I had forgotten I had a blog. And now, after much fussing around trying to figure out what my username for the blog was I am here. I've failed so far in a couple of my New Year's resolutions (see previous post of nine and half months ago) but the year is not over yet; it's not too late. I will now attempt once again, to keep a blog.
The following is an email that I wrote but did not send on Saturday the 18th of August this year. Names have been changed.
No wonder Natasha went so insane after you guys broke up. If you were half as closed-up, heartless and disrespectful to her as you are being to me then that would be more than enough to push a woman in love over the edge. Using your son as bait to get what you want though isn't just insane, it's inhumane.
Anyway, since apparently you already know everything Natasha, I'm sure neither of you will object to giving me a little space to reflect on the events of the past month or so, just for closure.
Let's see, how did this all happen?
The first time I met Alex was at the gym. He came in off the street and charmed me instantly. He was smiling and friendly and good-looking. He was kind and helpful and respectful. We chatted; he showed an interest in me without being sleazy or coming on to me at all. Then he called you, Natasha, and even though you said you didn't want him to, he advised me to tell people in the media that I'd worked with you when I was looking for jobs. He gave me a lot of referrals to help my business, even though he told me later that when he'd first walked into the gym he was absolutely determined not to put anyone's name down. What changed his mind? When he first saw me he thought "this girl is gooorgeous!", and then I smiled at him. He says he would have done anything I asked him to that day. Before he left Alex gave me his card and suggested I come down to the range for a free golf lesson. I was hesitant; I couldn't decide whether he was now coming onto me or just wanted to persuade me to regularly pay him for golf tuition. As I walked away he checked out my arse and loved what he saw.
Over the next few weeks Alex came to the gym and I called his friends to see if they'd go for gym memberships. There were a few classic characters in the bunch and they'd tell Alex I had called, or Alex would come in and ask how I was going with them. Rob chatted for ages and one of the things he told me was that Alex had said I would be intimidated by him. I was so offended that he went on to explain that Alex thought I was stunning and that he, Rob, was intimidated by attractive women. Greg warned me more than once that Alex was a sex maniac. Alex hoped he'd see me every time he came in. He asked about his friends, urged me again to say that I had worked with Natasha, reminded me that I was supposed to come down for a free golf lesson, and suggested that we train together in the gym sometime. I started to get a crush on him and I checked up in the computer system to see how old he was. I was so disappointed to find that he was 28, but still asked various people over the course of a few weeks, "how old is the oldest you'd date? How old do you think is too old for me?"
I finished working at the gym and went on holidays to Queensland but every few days I would think, "I should go in for that golf lesson." I was so nervous but managed to convince myself, "If you want something badly and try to get it then you might fail, but if you don't try to get it then you've failed already." I wanted something. A few days after returning from holidays I decided I would definitely call him. A few days after that I had finally gotten up the guts to do so.
I was terrified he wouldn't remember me. I was so nervous I even rehearsed what I was going to say out loud. When I called he knew who it was straight away, and even kept me on the phone for 10 minutes. We made a booking for the following day; a Thursday. During the phone call though he said something that led me to believe he had a girlfriend. My heart sank and my stomach twisted. Over the next 24 hours I was torn between, "just go and get it over and done with then forget about him", and "stay away. Think of a reason to cancel. He has a girlfriend and he's too old for you". (I'm 19 by the way Natasha; in case you're struggling with the math, that's literally half your age. Don't you think that's hilarious?) I eventually decided that I would go, have my one free golf lesson and enjoy being in the company of someone so good-looking, interesting, funny and kind, and then definitely refuse to have any more golf lessons.
I walked down to the driving range after a long chat with Andrew at the gym. On my way there Alex called to apologise as he was running a few minutes late and ask that I wait for him in the car park instead of going up to the clubhouse. Immediately I doubted my decision again and considered leaving. When he arrived though he was perfectly unsuspicious and explained that he hadn’t wanted me to go up and ask for him as a man he didn’t get along with, Trevor, was working and would probably try to charge me for the lesson and get him into trouble for giving me a freebie. During the lesson Alex was everything I had expected him to be and more. He was an excellent, patient coach without being too serious. We spent most of the time chatting and only a little while hitting golf balls. He told me that his relationship with Natasha was essentially over and that he was looking for a place to move out to. My heart skipped a beat and I became nervous and slightly hopeful again. He told me he had a two year old son, and went on about how “hot” Ben is. He was complimentary of everything about me, complimenting my golf swing, my clothes, my maturity and my attitude. I could barely handle so many compliments! I told him about Rob telling me that Alex had said I was intimidating. Alex’s answer began with, “How should I say this? You’re a very very attractive young woman”. When I said that the last time I’d swung a golf club was in year 10, Alex asked how old I was now. Initially he didn’t believe me when I told him I was 19; he had been so convinced I was 26 and must have a degree that he even suggested that I must have lied about my age when we first met. I pretended to be surprised that he was 28.
At the end of the lesson, which had lasted an hour and a half even though I had only booked him for half an hour, Alex asked me what was next in my golf career. I had been so determined not to agree to another lesson, but I’d also enjoyed it so much that I at least agreed to think about it. He was being so friendly after all, and the offer to continue to coach me for free was so generous that I couldn’t say no!
That weekend, you, Alex and Natasha, had sex and used the withdrawal method. I wonder who Alex was really thinking about while he was inside you.
On Monday I text messaged Alex and agreed to another lesson, and on Wednesday afternoon I arrived at the range. The first thing Alex did was to show me some houses on the internet that he was considering moving into, and ask my opinion. Then he showed me an adorable video of Ben at the range, hitting a golf ball with a club and looking more like a hockey player than golfer. The pride on Alex’s face and in his voice whenever he talked about Ben absolutely blew me away. He let me hit some golf balls and then asked if I would come with him to Cheltenham to pick up some golf clubs for a client. I reluctantly agreed, wondering what was going on. He offered to let me drive his BMW; I declined, but probably should have accepted because on the way, as we were turning out of the Cheltenham station car park into Charman Rd, we very nearly had a serious accident. A train was coming and the boom gates were coming down. Not realizing their position, Alex turned the car out into the road and positioned it directly under the heavy boom gate. In surprise I yelled, “what are you doing?!” and Alex moved the car forward just enough and just in time for the boom gate to come down and bounce on the back window of the car instead of caving in the roof. Fortunately the train was on the opposite track; if it had been on the track closest to us it would have taken out the front of the care and sent us spinning.
When we got to the golf shop the owner was just about to pop out so we waited for his return in a café down the street called Café Dell Amore. Sensing that I was still a little shaken from the car ride, Alex took advantage of the situation and hugged me for the first time. When for some reason I mentioned that I’d had Chinese food for lunch that day Alex said, “So when all this stuff with Natasha blows over, if I were take you out for Chinese food would you like that?” I said, “How about you wait until things do blow over with Natasha before asking questions like that”. The woman in the café thought we were together and asked Alex where he’d found this beautiful girl as we were leaving.
Golf clubs picked up, I drove us back to the range where we hit some balls. Alex showed me a photo of Ben from his wallet. At some point during the afternoon I felt bad for shutting him down and confessed that when things blew over with Natasha I would like to go out for Chinese food very much. When finally I insisted that it was time for me to go home we shook hands and I started to move away. It was the wrong way to finish the afternoon and we both knew it. Alex asked if I’d like another hug and with only a little hesitation I said yes, expecting him to hug me right there and then. Instead he led me into the teaching shed. I put my bag on the floor, we looked at each other for a brief second then very very slowly put our arms around one another. As we embraced, I felt a very soft kiss on my neck. With breathing shallow and tense we turned our faces to one another and kissed passionately.
Our bodies melted together smoothly and perfectly and the kisses started slow and deep and built until they were feverish before returning to tender exploration of each other. My arms were snaked around his neck, his wrapped around my back pulling me close. Best of all though was the way he’d stop sometimes; the first time to say “you do know I’m 28 and have a two year old son don’t you?” and every other time just to look at me and smile like an excited little boy, to squeeze me with joy and then kiss me again.
To be continued.
The following is an email that I wrote but did not send on Saturday the 18th of August this year. Names have been changed.
No wonder Natasha went so insane after you guys broke up. If you were half as closed-up, heartless and disrespectful to her as you are being to me then that would be more than enough to push a woman in love over the edge. Using your son as bait to get what you want though isn't just insane, it's inhumane.
Anyway, since apparently you already know everything Natasha, I'm sure neither of you will object to giving me a little space to reflect on the events of the past month or so, just for closure.
Let's see, how did this all happen?
The first time I met Alex was at the gym. He came in off the street and charmed me instantly. He was smiling and friendly and good-looking. He was kind and helpful and respectful. We chatted; he showed an interest in me without being sleazy or coming on to me at all. Then he called you, Natasha, and even though you said you didn't want him to, he advised me to tell people in the media that I'd worked with you when I was looking for jobs. He gave me a lot of referrals to help my business, even though he told me later that when he'd first walked into the gym he was absolutely determined not to put anyone's name down. What changed his mind? When he first saw me he thought "this girl is gooorgeous!", and then I smiled at him. He says he would have done anything I asked him to that day. Before he left Alex gave me his card and suggested I come down to the range for a free golf lesson. I was hesitant; I couldn't decide whether he was now coming onto me or just wanted to persuade me to regularly pay him for golf tuition. As I walked away he checked out my arse and loved what he saw.
Over the next few weeks Alex came to the gym and I called his friends to see if they'd go for gym memberships. There were a few classic characters in the bunch and they'd tell Alex I had called, or Alex would come in and ask how I was going with them. Rob chatted for ages and one of the things he told me was that Alex had said I would be intimidated by him. I was so offended that he went on to explain that Alex thought I was stunning and that he, Rob, was intimidated by attractive women. Greg warned me more than once that Alex was a sex maniac. Alex hoped he'd see me every time he came in. He asked about his friends, urged me again to say that I had worked with Natasha, reminded me that I was supposed to come down for a free golf lesson, and suggested that we train together in the gym sometime. I started to get a crush on him and I checked up in the computer system to see how old he was. I was so disappointed to find that he was 28, but still asked various people over the course of a few weeks, "how old is the oldest you'd date? How old do you think is too old for me?"
I finished working at the gym and went on holidays to Queensland but every few days I would think, "I should go in for that golf lesson." I was so nervous but managed to convince myself, "If you want something badly and try to get it then you might fail, but if you don't try to get it then you've failed already." I wanted something. A few days after returning from holidays I decided I would definitely call him. A few days after that I had finally gotten up the guts to do so.
I was terrified he wouldn't remember me. I was so nervous I even rehearsed what I was going to say out loud. When I called he knew who it was straight away, and even kept me on the phone for 10 minutes. We made a booking for the following day; a Thursday. During the phone call though he said something that led me to believe he had a girlfriend. My heart sank and my stomach twisted. Over the next 24 hours I was torn between, "just go and get it over and done with then forget about him", and "stay away. Think of a reason to cancel. He has a girlfriend and he's too old for you". (I'm 19 by the way Natasha; in case you're struggling with the math, that's literally half your age. Don't you think that's hilarious?) I eventually decided that I would go, have my one free golf lesson and enjoy being in the company of someone so good-looking, interesting, funny and kind, and then definitely refuse to have any more golf lessons.
I walked down to the driving range after a long chat with Andrew at the gym. On my way there Alex called to apologise as he was running a few minutes late and ask that I wait for him in the car park instead of going up to the clubhouse. Immediately I doubted my decision again and considered leaving. When he arrived though he was perfectly unsuspicious and explained that he hadn’t wanted me to go up and ask for him as a man he didn’t get along with, Trevor, was working and would probably try to charge me for the lesson and get him into trouble for giving me a freebie. During the lesson Alex was everything I had expected him to be and more. He was an excellent, patient coach without being too serious. We spent most of the time chatting and only a little while hitting golf balls. He told me that his relationship with Natasha was essentially over and that he was looking for a place to move out to. My heart skipped a beat and I became nervous and slightly hopeful again. He told me he had a two year old son, and went on about how “hot” Ben is. He was complimentary of everything about me, complimenting my golf swing, my clothes, my maturity and my attitude. I could barely handle so many compliments! I told him about Rob telling me that Alex had said I was intimidating. Alex’s answer began with, “How should I say this? You’re a very very attractive young woman”. When I said that the last time I’d swung a golf club was in year 10, Alex asked how old I was now. Initially he didn’t believe me when I told him I was 19; he had been so convinced I was 26 and must have a degree that he even suggested that I must have lied about my age when we first met. I pretended to be surprised that he was 28.
At the end of the lesson, which had lasted an hour and a half even though I had only booked him for half an hour, Alex asked me what was next in my golf career. I had been so determined not to agree to another lesson, but I’d also enjoyed it so much that I at least agreed to think about it. He was being so friendly after all, and the offer to continue to coach me for free was so generous that I couldn’t say no!
That weekend, you, Alex and Natasha, had sex and used the withdrawal method. I wonder who Alex was really thinking about while he was inside you.
On Monday I text messaged Alex and agreed to another lesson, and on Wednesday afternoon I arrived at the range. The first thing Alex did was to show me some houses on the internet that he was considering moving into, and ask my opinion. Then he showed me an adorable video of Ben at the range, hitting a golf ball with a club and looking more like a hockey player than golfer. The pride on Alex’s face and in his voice whenever he talked about Ben absolutely blew me away. He let me hit some golf balls and then asked if I would come with him to Cheltenham to pick up some golf clubs for a client. I reluctantly agreed, wondering what was going on. He offered to let me drive his BMW; I declined, but probably should have accepted because on the way, as we were turning out of the Cheltenham station car park into Charman Rd, we very nearly had a serious accident. A train was coming and the boom gates were coming down. Not realizing their position, Alex turned the car out into the road and positioned it directly under the heavy boom gate. In surprise I yelled, “what are you doing?!” and Alex moved the car forward just enough and just in time for the boom gate to come down and bounce on the back window of the car instead of caving in the roof. Fortunately the train was on the opposite track; if it had been on the track closest to us it would have taken out the front of the care and sent us spinning.
When we got to the golf shop the owner was just about to pop out so we waited for his return in a café down the street called Café Dell Amore. Sensing that I was still a little shaken from the car ride, Alex took advantage of the situation and hugged me for the first time. When for some reason I mentioned that I’d had Chinese food for lunch that day Alex said, “So when all this stuff with Natasha blows over, if I were take you out for Chinese food would you like that?” I said, “How about you wait until things do blow over with Natasha before asking questions like that”. The woman in the café thought we were together and asked Alex where he’d found this beautiful girl as we were leaving.
Golf clubs picked up, I drove us back to the range where we hit some balls. Alex showed me a photo of Ben from his wallet. At some point during the afternoon I felt bad for shutting him down and confessed that when things blew over with Natasha I would like to go out for Chinese food very much. When finally I insisted that it was time for me to go home we shook hands and I started to move away. It was the wrong way to finish the afternoon and we both knew it. Alex asked if I’d like another hug and with only a little hesitation I said yes, expecting him to hug me right there and then. Instead he led me into the teaching shed. I put my bag on the floor, we looked at each other for a brief second then very very slowly put our arms around one another. As we embraced, I felt a very soft kiss on my neck. With breathing shallow and tense we turned our faces to one another and kissed passionately.
Our bodies melted together smoothly and perfectly and the kisses started slow and deep and built until they were feverish before returning to tender exploration of each other. My arms were snaked around his neck, his wrapped around my back pulling me close. Best of all though was the way he’d stop sometimes; the first time to say “you do know I’m 28 and have a two year old son don’t you?” and every other time just to look at me and smile like an excited little boy, to squeeze me with joy and then kiss me again.
To be continued.
Tuesday 2 January 2007
Grand Opening of Lily Lane
Happy New Year to me!!! (for yesterday)
Resolutions for 2007:
Resolutions for 2007:
- stop being late for everything
- be less lazy
- cut down on Internet addiction
- be a good girl wherever possible
- be reliable - deeds not words - do what I say I'll do
- keep a clean, uncluttered living space
- keep a blog (which I need to somehow make possible without contravening the anit-Internet resolution)
- get fitter. Stay fitter.
- Read more books more often.
- Swear less.
What's on the cards for 2007?
- A year off between finishing high school and starting uni
- Earning (and saving) lots and lots of moneeeyyyy
- Prepare for and audition for Top Class
- try to get lots of experience in theatres and studios
- write as much as possible
- Life. Be in it!
- go to New Zealand; audition for uni; GET IN!
- move to New Zealand
What is this blog for?
Who knows; who cares? Here's hoping it evolves into something worth reading - for me, (later in life) at the very least!
The blog is mine; I'll write whatever I want. I have no readers anyway. Thoughts and feelings it is, then. Not much social commentary here; I'm pitifully ignorant.
I often ask offbeat (and more normal) questions and get no answers. Or get many answers. Perhaps I should write down my questions every day on the off chance that someone stumbles across my blog and has some answers for me. And it will be nice to be able to gradually fill in answers to my questions as time goes by...
SO. The questions that I can remember asking today:
Why is it that when sex is depicted in film and TV and music, only the women cry out and moan loudly? Why don't the men ever groan etc too? Does this trend apply to real life too? If so, is life reflecting the media (eg. men feel too self-conscious to be very vocal during sex because they haven't been exposed to images of it, making it seem normal) or is the media reflecting real life?
Do other people frequently have imaginary conversations in their heads throughout the day or is it just me? Do other people replay scenarios over in their heads with different endings, many, many times? Do other people accidentally pull faces as the result of their imaginary scenarios/conversations?
Why is the 69 position so well-known and present in pop-culture? Surely I'm not the only who finds that it's a disappointment every time.
Loads of people love to talk about their dreams - myself included - but is there anyone at all who cares to listen to other people talking about there dreams?
That will do for today.
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