Thursday

Written 15/9/07.

A couple of months have somehow passed, so I’m not as clear on the details of everything that happened between us as I would have been had I continued to write about it after my first attempt on 18/8/07, but I think it is still worth writing down. Who knows what it can be used for one day? Perhaps not revenge and punishment as were my original intentions - hopefully I will never feel such anger and hate again. The whole situation has been so soap opera-like; perhaps I will create a television series one day.

After our first kiss – or rather kisses – I was on top of the world. For the first few minutes as they had been happening I was worried about Alex's involvement with Natasha. One of my determined sentiments in my initial personal battle about whether to go for the golf lesson after I phoned him for the first time was that I was absolutely not interested in being a home-wrecker. I didn’t want a broken relationship on my conscience and I wanted to combat a trend I had spotted in myself – a trend of having too much interest in men who were already very much attached. So, in the first few minutes I pulled away from Alex a couple of times, saying, “What about Natasha?”, and, “I can’t, you’re still involved!” His response to this was to ignore them and kiss me more; in fact when I reminded him a while later of my protestations he had completely forgotten them. The protestations didn’t last though. He had told me the relationship was over and I was more than happy to believe it and think that if it wasn’t then that was his concern and nothing to do with me.

The following day, a Thursday, we spoke on the phone briefly. He said he’d love to see me sooner rather than later. That afternoon I needed to pop into the gym to pick up some money from the staff to buy a going-away present for a girl who had resigned. While I was there I text messaged Alex to say that if he really meant sooner rather than later I could come down to the driving range and see him. He called me immediately to say that he had fifteen minutes spare between his last lesson and going out for dinner with a client. Without waiting for the invitation I knew was coming I said I’d see him in five minutes and dashed out of the gym with barely a word of goodbye.
A couple of minutes later I knocked nervously on the teaching shed door. Alex opened it immediately and instantly we wrapped around each other once more. We kissed like two people who had been daydreaming of exactly that all day long. Alex's hands roamed further over my body and we pulled each other around the room in frustration, wanting to take things further but recognizing the impropriety. I had my period and had to slap and push his hands away each time he tried to explore in more detail, but I offered no explanation other than a cheekily evasive smile. He could lift me so easily, wrap my legs around him and hold me there or push me up against the door. It turned me on so much, thinking of the things I wished we were doing. Every few minutes we’d force each other to stop so we could get out a quick sentence before pulling each other close again. “Alex, you have to go, you’re so late!”, or “Sorry buddy, I really gotta go”, or “I can’t believe you’re only nineteen, don’t you think I’m old?” After thirty-five minutes instead of the ten that we should have had, we finally made it out the door.
“I wish you could come with us to dinner but these people know Natasha.”
I couldn’t believe he would have been willing to introduce me to his friends, I had been sure he must be embarrassed about his involvement with a nineteen year old.
“Aren’t you two over though?”
“Yeah but she’s not really happy about it and if she knew about you she’d never let me see Ben again.”
Two meters later though we were around the corner of the teaching shed and locked together again. As I slapped his hand away yet again he said, “Hey Lily, you’re not a virgin are you?” I giggled and said no and “Why, do I act like one?”.
“Oh good, I was just making sure.”
When we finally parted and I was making my way down the grassy slope towards the car park I only just resisted the urge to dash up to the gap between the teaching shed and wind break and grab and kiss him as he walked past. As I looked at the gap his face appeared at it with his excited-little-boy grin on, waving to me.