Needless to say, I could not get Alex and Natasha and Ben out of my head. On Friday I texted him.
“I’m so lost alex”
Some hours later I received a message from Natasha.
“Stop texting alex. He is not answering your texts because its over. Our family is what he wants, not you. So please leave us alone. We are in love & have been for years, you came along during a rough patch & sadly you got hurt but it’s over.”
I laughed and looked at the message in disgust but my heart thudded in my ribcage as I replied.
“if u think that what u’ve got is love then I sincerely pity you natasha”
Soon the phone chimed again.
“alex asked me to marry him last night. You have known him for a few weeks. You don’t even know him.”
I smiled smugly, but started to feel anger boiling. I was beginning to hate her.
“u r delusional. I hope u recover soon”
She said, “You are a stalker leave him alone. And ps. He thinks you are ugly! And a slut.”
I couldn’t believe I was texting a successful, thirty-eight year old career woman and mother. A fifteen year old is more cutting.
I texted, “why bother with lies when the truth is so much sadder? The fact that a guy like alex can b inescapably tied 2 a mole like u is heartbreaking”
Ten minutes later though, I received a message from Alex.
“Hi lily, I’ve been thinking and I’ve realized I need my family back. I love them. Please understand. Alex”
Without missing a beat I replied.
“Natasha, what a wanky thing to do. I’m not utterly stupid. Try harder.”
Friday 9 November 2007
Thursday 8 November 2007
Premiere
Thursday morning promised a big day. The film I had been publicising was to premiere that night.
“Morning Lily, have a great day and night, I’m sure it will be fantastic. I’m with Ben all day and night, I’m going to smother him in kisses!”
It seemed that as per usual, Natasha's promises of never letting Alex see his son again had not materialized.
“haha, poor Ben! Save sum grown up kisses 4 me! I hope u enjoy every second & don’t let a single negative thought creep in. hav a wonderful time. Ur beautiful”
The premiere was a huge success and I was excited to be introduced to some television producers who said they would love to have me as a production assistant. As the night wound down, I text messaged Alex.
“hello, I’m guessing ur asleep.. hope u had a good day. 2nite was gr8 but wish u were here. I’m sending lots of kisses & cuddles ur way :-) miss u xx”
He was not asleep.
“I’m watching the footy show. Glad you had a good night. You are crazy to like me I’m damaged!”
“I can’t help liking u, & we already knew I was crazy. Sum ppl becum ugly wen they get damaged but not u. ur lovely & I’m lucky 2 know u”
“you’re about to move to la la land and I’ve got another little fella on the way. Run away!”
“is she still saying she’s pregz? Make her prove it, don’t let her enslave u with sumthing that could b bullshit. Put urself 1st, just 4 this 1 thing”
“I’ve seen the test it’s confirmed!”
I showed the text message to Ellen across the back seat of the darkened car and felt my eyes prick with tears.
We spoke on the phone for two and a half hours late into that night.
Alex told me how years ago he’d been in love with Natasha. She’d wanted children and had given him the ultimatum that he must either get her pregnant or get out. He loved her, so he did. I figured the truth must be a combination of that and the story he’d told me previously, about wanting to leave but staying when she fell pregnant.
I wanted to know what Natasha looked like. She was blonde apparently. She looked 28 even though she was 38 because she’d had cosmetic surgery. She had big fake tits.
I couldn’t understand what Natasha saw in Alex. I knew what I liked about him, but from my impressions of Natasha's values and personality couldn’t imagine her liking the same characteristics. He said he was her toy boy, her trophy boyfriend. I could imagine that. A woman like Natasha couldn’t bear to have people wonder why she was single. She’d have to have someone she could introduce to everyone and know that he would never embarrass her. He was certainly charming.
Alex had spoken to a friend who was a lawyer. The friend didn’t think Alex had a chance to win custody of Ben. The law was designed to favour and protect women in positions of care. I thought he should fight anyway. She had shown violent behaviour, and at one time had taken Ben and run off to stay in Mt Eliza without telling Alex.
Alex still wanted to see me. He didn’t know what to do. I told him I deserved better and that our relationship was supposed to be fun, yet I still begged him not to go back to her.
As always, Alex talked about Ben.
When I expressed my feelings towards Natasha, Alex defended her. That hurt.
“Morning Lily, have a great day and night, I’m sure it will be fantastic. I’m with Ben all day and night, I’m going to smother him in kisses!”
It seemed that as per usual, Natasha's promises of never letting Alex see his son again had not materialized.
“haha, poor Ben! Save sum grown up kisses 4 me! I hope u enjoy every second & don’t let a single negative thought creep in. hav a wonderful time. Ur beautiful”
The premiere was a huge success and I was excited to be introduced to some television producers who said they would love to have me as a production assistant. As the night wound down, I text messaged Alex.
“hello, I’m guessing ur asleep.. hope u had a good day. 2nite was gr8 but wish u were here. I’m sending lots of kisses & cuddles ur way :-) miss u xx”
He was not asleep.
“I’m watching the footy show. Glad you had a good night. You are crazy to like me I’m damaged!”
“I can’t help liking u, & we already knew I was crazy. Sum ppl becum ugly wen they get damaged but not u. ur lovely & I’m lucky 2 know u”
“you’re about to move to la la land and I’ve got another little fella on the way. Run away!”
“is she still saying she’s pregz? Make her prove it, don’t let her enslave u with sumthing that could b bullshit. Put urself 1st, just 4 this 1 thing”
“I’ve seen the test it’s confirmed!”
I showed the text message to Ellen across the back seat of the darkened car and felt my eyes prick with tears.
We spoke on the phone for two and a half hours late into that night.
Alex told me how years ago he’d been in love with Natasha. She’d wanted children and had given him the ultimatum that he must either get her pregnant or get out. He loved her, so he did. I figured the truth must be a combination of that and the story he’d told me previously, about wanting to leave but staying when she fell pregnant.
I wanted to know what Natasha looked like. She was blonde apparently. She looked 28 even though she was 38 because she’d had cosmetic surgery. She had big fake tits.
I couldn’t understand what Natasha saw in Alex. I knew what I liked about him, but from my impressions of Natasha's values and personality couldn’t imagine her liking the same characteristics. He said he was her toy boy, her trophy boyfriend. I could imagine that. A woman like Natasha couldn’t bear to have people wonder why she was single. She’d have to have someone she could introduce to everyone and know that he would never embarrass her. He was certainly charming.
Alex had spoken to a friend who was a lawyer. The friend didn’t think Alex had a chance to win custody of Ben. The law was designed to favour and protect women in positions of care. I thought he should fight anyway. She had shown violent behaviour, and at one time had taken Ben and run off to stay in Mt Eliza without telling Alex.
Alex still wanted to see me. He didn’t know what to do. I told him I deserved better and that our relationship was supposed to be fun, yet I still begged him not to go back to her.
As always, Alex talked about Ben.
When I expressed my feelings towards Natasha, Alex defended her. That hurt.
Tuesday 6 November 2007
Wednesday
On Wednesday Natasha told Alex via text message that she was pregnant. I insisted that he shouldn’t believe it. I was utterly convinced that it was just another lie to torture him and try to make him bend to her will. He was less sure. It was supposed to have been conceived the last time they’d had sex; a few days before Alex and I first kissed.
“Didn’t you say you used the withdrawal method then though?”
“I may not have been as careful with Natasha as I was with you.”
“Didn’t you say you used the withdrawal method then though?”
“I may not have been as careful with Natasha as I was with you.”
Monday 5 November 2007
Oops
Tuesday, the day Alex was to move into his mate's place, was a different story.
I was on a corner of Lygon St, walking towards Melbourne Uni with some women in chains in tow, posing as slaves, when my mobile phone rang. I answered the unfamiliar number neutrally.
“Hello, Lily speaking.”
The voice that answered me was so sharp it could cut your throat.
“Hi Lily, this is Natasha, Alex's girlfriend.”
My stomach sunk into my shoes, my legs felt dead, my hands started to shake and perspire and not much of the world made sense anymore as my brain went instantly numb. I barely remember the conversation. I do remember that I calmly responded,
“Hi Natasha, how are you?”
Normally good at lying, improvisation and remaining somewhat calm under questioning, that one polite reply was all I could muster before things fell apart. I remember thinking how bright the sun was and how Lygon St was so busy and how I mustn’t let the people I was working with hear the conversation. What I needed to think was, “deny everything” but it didn’t cross my mind.
Natasha interrogated me briefly. All I could manage was one and two and three word answers, like a dumb thirteen year old in an adult situation she doesn’t understand. They were the wrong answers though.
When I had filled out the contact form on Alex's website to let him know I wouldn’t sleep with anyone at the snow the email had arrived in both Alex and Natasha's inboxes, as Alex was using an email address on Natasha's company’s server at the time.
I was on a corner of Lygon St, walking towards Melbourne Uni with some women in chains in tow, posing as slaves, when my mobile phone rang. I answered the unfamiliar number neutrally.
“Hello, Lily speaking.”
The voice that answered me was so sharp it could cut your throat.
“Hi Lily, this is Natasha, Alex's girlfriend.”
My stomach sunk into my shoes, my legs felt dead, my hands started to shake and perspire and not much of the world made sense anymore as my brain went instantly numb. I barely remember the conversation. I do remember that I calmly responded,
“Hi Natasha, how are you?”
Normally good at lying, improvisation and remaining somewhat calm under questioning, that one polite reply was all I could muster before things fell apart. I remember thinking how bright the sun was and how Lygon St was so busy and how I mustn’t let the people I was working with hear the conversation. What I needed to think was, “deny everything” but it didn’t cross my mind.
Natasha interrogated me briefly. All I could manage was one and two and three word answers, like a dumb thirteen year old in an adult situation she doesn’t understand. They were the wrong answers though.
When I had filled out the contact form on Alex's website to let him know I wouldn’t sleep with anyone at the snow the email had arrived in both Alex and Natasha's inboxes, as Alex was using an email address on Natasha's company’s server at the time.
Sunday 4 November 2007
Monday
On Monday we were somewhat walking on sunshine. Although previously we had thought that Alex would not be able to come to film premiere with me on Thursday - Natasha would be in Sydney and he would need to be home to take care of Ben - her plans had changed and therefore so did ours. It was decided that we would go out for dinner before the film, then attend the premiere and then I would stay the night at his place for the first time as his plans were to move out on the Tuesday. In my head I excitedly planned which sexy dress I would wear to make his jaw drop and want to get me home as soon as possible, and which I hoped would make him proud to be seen with me, despite our age difference. He assured me that day though that as soon as he had moved out away from Natasha he would not have the slightest problem with being publicly affectionate towards me and would kiss and cuddle me no matter who saw.
We talked excitedly of occasional sleepovers at his place. Would I be sleeping over or just coming to see him and then leaving? he wanted to know. He was pleased that it would be both. But when he asked whether my parents would be fine with that I had to tell him that they must never find out about him. Alex was disappointed. Not only did he not want me to lie but he was hoping to meet my parents. He needed to be part of a family, he said. I told him that my family could never accept him at this point in my life. We skated over the issue pretty quickly though, and returned to happier topics.
In the afternoon I received,
“I’m taking you away for a weekend soon, can you handle it? It will mean we can’t be separated.”
And then later,
“I love studying your body. I plan on studying it very hard and often!”
Still later though Natasha's plans changed again and Alex had to cancel our date. Though disappointed, we planned instead that I would come to the football with Alex on Friday night and then stay with him. I would meet one of his close mates, and he begged me to try to think of a girlfriend to come along who might be interested in his friend.
It was a very hopeful day.
We talked excitedly of occasional sleepovers at his place. Would I be sleeping over or just coming to see him and then leaving? he wanted to know. He was pleased that it would be both. But when he asked whether my parents would be fine with that I had to tell him that they must never find out about him. Alex was disappointed. Not only did he not want me to lie but he was hoping to meet my parents. He needed to be part of a family, he said. I told him that my family could never accept him at this point in my life. We skated over the issue pretty quickly though, and returned to happier topics.
In the afternoon I received,
“I’m taking you away for a weekend soon, can you handle it? It will mean we can’t be separated.”
And then later,
“I love studying your body. I plan on studying it very hard and often!”
Still later though Natasha's plans changed again and Alex had to cancel our date. Though disappointed, we planned instead that I would come to the football with Alex on Friday night and then stay with him. I would meet one of his close mates, and he begged me to try to think of a girlfriend to come along who might be interested in his friend.
It was a very hopeful day.
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