Wednesday

On Wednesday Natasha told Alex via text message that she was pregnant. I insisted that he shouldn’t believe it. I was utterly convinced that it was just another lie to torture him and try to make him bend to her will. He was less sure. It was supposed to have been conceived the last time they’d had sex; a few days before Alex and I first kissed.
“Didn’t you say you used the withdrawal method then though?”
“I may not have been as careful with Natasha as I was with you.”

Oops

Tuesday, the day Alex was to move into his mate's place, was a different story.
I was on a corner of Lygon St, walking towards Melbourne Uni with some women in chains in tow, posing as slaves, when my mobile phone rang. I answered the unfamiliar number neutrally.
“Hello, Lily speaking.”

The voice that answered me was so sharp it could cut your throat.
“Hi Lily, this is Natasha, Alex's girlfriend.”

My stomach sunk into my shoes, my legs felt dead, my hands started to shake and perspire and not much of the world made sense anymore as my brain went instantly numb. I barely remember the conversation. I do remember that I calmly responded,
“Hi Natasha, how are you?”

Normally good at lying, improvisation and remaining somewhat calm under questioning, that one polite reply was all I could muster before things fell apart. I remember thinking how bright the sun was and how Lygon St was so busy and how I mustn’t let the people I was working with hear the conversation. What I needed to think was, “deny everything” but it didn’t cross my mind.

Natasha interrogated me briefly. All I could manage was one and two and three word answers, like a dumb thirteen year old in an adult situation she doesn’t understand. They were the wrong answers though.

When I had filled out the contact form on Alex's website to let him know I wouldn’t sleep with anyone at the snow the email had arrived in both Alex and Natasha's inboxes, as Alex was using an email address on Natasha's company’s server at the time.

Monday

On Monday we were somewhat walking on sunshine. Although previously we had thought that Alex would not be able to come to film premiere with me on Thursday - Natasha would be in Sydney and he would need to be home to take care of Ben - her plans had changed and therefore so did ours. It was decided that we would go out for dinner before the film, then attend the premiere and then I would stay the night at his place for the first time as his plans were to move out on the Tuesday. In my head I excitedly planned which sexy dress I would wear to make his jaw drop and want to get me home as soon as possible, and which I hoped would make him proud to be seen with me, despite our age difference. He assured me that day though that as soon as he had moved out away from Natasha he would not have the slightest problem with being publicly affectionate towards me and would kiss and cuddle me no matter who saw.
We talked excitedly of occasional sleepovers at his place. Would I be sleeping over or just coming to see him and then leaving? he wanted to know. He was pleased that it would be both. But when he asked whether my parents would be fine with that I had to tell him that they must never find out about him. Alex was disappointed. Not only did he not want me to lie but he was hoping to meet my parents. He needed to be part of a family, he said. I told him that my family could never accept him at this point in my life. We skated over the issue pretty quickly though, and returned to happier topics.
In the afternoon I received,
“I’m taking you away for a weekend soon, can you handle it? It will mean we can’t be separated.”
And then later,
“I love studying your body. I plan on studying it very hard and often!”
Still later though Natasha's plans changed again and Alex had to cancel our date. Though disappointed, we planned instead that I would come to the football with Alex on Friday night and then stay with him. I would meet one of his close mates, and he begged me to try to think of a girlfriend to come along who might be interested in his friend.
It was a very hopeful day.

Weekend away

With Alex still living with Natasha and with both of our long working hours and my lack of transport it was difficult to see one another, but we continued to get to know each other better and better as we still spoke on the phone every day, and often many times a day. As far as either of us was willing to admit on the surface, the relationship was still a mere friendship with casual sex, but the way we acted and talked did not support such labeling.

On Friday the 10th of August I was all set for a weekend at the snow with my rover crew and a couple of other rover crews. Before I left, Alex asked me if I was going to have sex with someone else while I was away. I replied that it wasn’t likely as I was fairly sure of all the guys that would be attending and I wasn’t attracted to any of them. After some conversation, Alex admitted that he wouldn’t like it if I had sex with anyone else.I was pleased and flattered by his admission but as I was still trying to be immune to feelings for him I teasingly said that I would do what I like and if the opportunity arose then I wouldn’t say no. He had left me with a warm glow though, and in a sense given my feelings the permission they wanted to exist. I decided to email him through his website.

Name: Lily
Email Address: lily.lane.blog@gmail.com
Phone Number:
Message: Surprise!

I'm just about to go to the snow. I don't know if I'll have phone reception there but if not feel free to leave me a sexy message!The session time for the film premiere is 6:45pm next Thursday. I hope you can make it but please don't worry if you can't; I'm not so ridiculous as to take it personally.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm not going to have sex with anyone else at the snow, or even kiss them for that matter (unless they are female in which case I will go right ahead because I know you will love to hear about it). Please don't have sex with anyone else this weekend either?
Have an awesome weekend, but don't forget about me :-)
See you,
love Lily xx

Once I knew from his text that Alex had received my email I felt safe to go back to teasing and let him know that there were some new guys I hadn’t met before staying in our chalet. Like his “hot sex” text message that I had received at the train station, my message found Alex at the wrong time. I don’t remember his reply but it was negative enough that I called him straight away on my mobile to apologise and make sure he was okay. It was a Saturday night and he was drunk and depressed at home with a friend over, and Ben upstairs in bed after a long night of yet more abuse from Natasha.
I did my best to cheer him up on the phone and when the call was over I paused for a moment on the bunk bed I was lying on, overwhelmed by some feeling that had no name.The text message I sent was,
“nxt time the whole world is against u just call me ok? I will cheer u up, I promise! I’m crazy about u! (in a non-scary way)”
The reply was,
“Thanku for being crazy, I’m crazy too, just for you.”
And then one hour later,
“Just so there’s no confusion, I think you’re beautiful. Xxx”
The unnamed feeling did not go away. For the rest of the time at the snow (only another twenty-four hours) I was as full of thoughts of Alex as usual, but more full of feelings for him than ever. It seemed clear that the sentiment was mutual, though all was conveyed by text message. I still tried to hold my cards close to my chest, terrified of scaring him away with my feelings but it became harder as he became more open. When I asked him on Sunday morning what his plans for the day were his response was the very confusing,
“Ikea! Gym, arguing with Natasha and buying heaps of steak! This is for you xox!! And a happy ending. I can’t wait to keep trying.”
When I questioned what on earth he meant his response was,
“Sorry I’m not very bright. As soon as you get back I’m going to strip you naked, give you an all over body massage, kiss you from head to toe with special consideration given to certain areas! You’re hot!!”
The secretive smile I couldn’t help but carry constantly that afternoon as we packed away our things and cleaned the chalet was remarked on by more than one person.
[Note: The visit to Ikea and purchases of steak were the result of Alex's plans to move out on the Tuesday of that week. He had finally resorted to temporarily taking a room in the flat of a good friend of his. “I can’t wait to keep trying” refers to the fact that I had never had an orgasm in my life; a problem he was determined to fix.]

Sexy pants

Soon Alex invited me to come and have breakfast with him in the restaurant at the range. He begged me to wear ‘the pants’. ‘The pants’ were the pair of soft black pants I sometimes wear to work and were the first pants Alex ever saw and admired my arse in. The night before our breakfast date I text messaged him to tell him I couldn’t wait to show him a surprise.
We had breakfast at the restaurant and Alex introduced me to Bill. He asked Bill how old he thought I was; Bill answered “about nineteen” and once again Alex repeated his surprise. While we waited for our breakfasts Alex got up to get juices for us and when he sat back down, told me quietly what Bill had just said in admiration of my figure. Alex did things like that all the time. He complimented me so often that I was forced to learn to take compliments purely by the fact that he’d flood me with them. He was never insincere or grand about it, he’d just constantly slip in comments to make me feel good. When I was talking to Alex or when I was around him I would always be totally convinced that I was the sexiest, smartest girl around.
After breakfast we slipped into the teaching shed.
“We’re not allowed to have sex today though”, I said.
“Why’s that?”
“Because the last couple of times freaked me out too much, I’m terrified of getting pregnant. So because we obviously can’t be trusted the rulethat we’re not allowed to have sex until I get that contraceptive shot in my arm.”
He agreed. So I showed him my surprise. I took his hand in mine and slipped it inside ‘the pants’ so that he could feel the silky smooth skin between my legs; I’d had my first Brazilian ever the day before. is now
Before long I was slouched on a chair, legs spread, while he used his tongue to send shuddering waves of heat through my body. When eventually I said breathlessly, “Hey Alex? Let’s just do it”, he didn’t need telling twice.

Hesitations

Alex was very picky about where he lived. He had to live in Elsternwick. “I just really like that area” and “you have to understand how lazy Natasha is. If I’m more than five minutes away she just won’t bother”. He had to have a modern, spacious house with central heating. And most importantly, the house had to be close to a park for Ben. “I just want to get a place that Ben will like.”
A couple of times he said that he was considering moving into a house that he and Natasha and Ben had once lived in that was now up for rent. He knew it would be a good house for Ben. Eventually he applied for it.
“I got the house but I’m not moving in there.”
“What? Why not? It’s taken you ages to get house! You’ve been trying to move out for months!”
“I couldn’t do it Lily-pily. I just kept thinking of Ben and all the good times we had there. I can’t do it Lil. I can’t leave little Ben.”

Natasha and Ben

Sometimes I asked Alex about Natasha. He had told me a few times, “I swore I’d never live a loveless life”. Natasha was a career woman; the best-known and most successful publicist in Melbourne according to Alex. She also had a short temper and had thrown a bottle at Alex in his sleep once - he had sent a complimentary text message to a young female student of his as she was an unattractive girl and very down on herself.
Natasha would talk over Alex.
“She’s one of those people who always has to talk over the top of you. There’s nothing I hate more than people who talk over the top of other people. Don’t you hate that? When people talk over the top of you?”
I wanted to know why Alex had stayed with her for so long.
“I can remember years ago, lying in bed and thinking, ‘I’ll just give her Christmas. I’ll stay until Christmas’ and then next thing you know, Natasha was pregnant with Ben.”
Every time Alex talked about Ben his eyes would light up. He would tell me what it was like “having your own little person”, about how cute or “hot” Ben was, and about the way Ben would crawl into Alex's bed downstairs in the morning and wriggle up next to him and ask, innocent as anything, “Go to Bonkers?”

Not exactly make up sex.

Two days later, a Sunday, I was sitting in the cold collecting money from market parking to raise money to replace the roof of the Dingley Scout Hall. Alex called to find out what I was doing and would I like to come and see him as he had some time free at the range that afternoon. There was none of the tension in his words and voice that I had been expecting; Friday night’s text messages were never referred to. Clearly they had not had the same impact on him as they had had on me.
I rushed as quickly as I could from Dingley to the range, prepared to only have half an hour with him as I had volunteered to take some friends home from Dingley. As you’d expect, as soon as I arrived we wanted to finish what we’d begun in the doorway of my house the last time we'd seen each other. When we tried again though I found that it hurt me too much as he was penetrating me quite deeply, and that I was too nervous as neither of us had protection (and I’m an idiot who needs to learn to say no). I told him the problems and stopped him, pulled my pants back on and knelt down to give him head instead. After I had been going at it for a short while though he grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me to my feet, yanked my pants down, spun me round, bent me over, fucked me briefly and then finished on my lower back. A funny scene followed as he realized that he hadn’t planned for this moment and searched the office for something to clean me up with while I remained bent over and exposed, calling “don’t you dare leave me like this Alex!”
Even though it hurt again when he penetrated me the second time I didn’t mind at the time, but I have still never dared analyse the scene for fear of hating what I find.

Messy things

The more time I spent talking to Alex the more I liked him. This scared me to begin with as prior to Alex I had been very comfortable with the attitude that I did not need or want to have feelings for a man. Due to the our difficult circumstances (i.e. age difference, Alex living with his ex-girlfriend and having two year old son and me wanting to move to New Zealand) I had been confident that we had stumbled on a great formula for a casual sexual relationship and friendship. There was now no question though that I seriously enjoyed his company and conversation and was becoming attached. I explored these feelings and fortunately came to the conclusion that yes, I did have feelings for him but they were not strong enough to cause me trouble and furthermore that had he asked me to be his girlfriend I would certainly have refused.

The presence of these feelings though meant that I found I had a defensive reaction to Alex's teasing about wanting to use him for sex. Any time he jokingly suggested that my attraction to him was purely physical I would contradict him and tell him that I liked him for his personality too. I had actually told him this from the beginning but he would ignore it and the more attached to him I became the more important to me it was that I made him understand this.

One freezing cold Friday evening after a long day working on the film I accidentally caught a Cranbourne train instead of a Frankston train and found myself in Murrumbeena before I realized my mistake. Frustrated, cold and tired I text messaged Alex to complain about what had happened, quietly hoping that he would offer to come and pick me up though knowing full-well that it was highly unlikely that he could. He didn’t offer. After some minutes of boredom while waiting for another train to take me back to Caulfield I text messaged him again, asking him to tell me something good, to help keep me warm. He responded, “I want to have lots of hot sex with you!” Under ordinary circumstances this would have made me blush and smile and start daydreaming but it was the wrong time for it. As can so often happen with a text conversation, a series of misinterpretations followed in which I tried to explain my feelings and desires in foolishly complicated ways. Confusion built until Alex said bluntly that he hated games. Terrified that I had somehow managed to screw up our entire friendship (or relationship?) for absolutely no reason at all I took my time to carefully spell out a long message that I hoped would make things go back to normal. I received no response and no phone call the following day.

Priorities

One day, not long after we had discovered our mutual attraction, we arranged that I would come and visit Alex at the range. When I arrived Alex was finishing with Dave. I don’t know whether it was my own paranoia or if I genuinely read subtle suspicion in Dave's eyes as ALex introduced me. Alex asked Dave how old he thought I was and when told “about nineteen or twenty” voiced his disbelief that anyone could tell that as he had been sure I was twenty-six. When Dave wished me a good lesson Alex responded that actually we were going for a drive today and led me away.
In the car Alex teased me about my sex drive as usual, showing obvious delight in my blushing admissions. We were headed to Elsternwick to see an apartment Alex was considering. In the car though, Alex checked his text messages and found that Natasha was in a bad mood, telling him he had to get out by the end of the week and demanding that he forfeit his entire share of the house they owned together to her, plus continue the mortgage repayments on it as child support. She would, of course, be keeping Ben. We arrived at the apartment before the real estate agent and sat in the car. Alex wouldn’t let me kiss him in case the real estate agent saw and it somehow got back to Natasha who would make things worse for him. I got out and used a swing in the park while he phoned her.
Yet again the apartment did not meet Alex's standards and he took a detour on the way back to the range to show me one of the houses he and Natasha had once lived in. We got stuck in a traffic jam caused by faulty boom gates along the Frankston train line and by the time he had dropped me home he had only fifteen minutes until his next lesson, which would take ten minutes to drive to. He was busting for the toilet so badly though that he jumped out of the car at my house to go. I had to wrestle and pull him away from seeing my highly embarrassing bedroom. We paused in the doorway of my house for a quick kiss goodbye before he was to dash for his lesson. Too quickly though we were pressed against the wall, kissing passionately, and soon his hand was inside my pants for the first time. I quickly changed from, “no, you have to go” to a whispered “stay, please stay”. In the next moment our pants were around our knees, my palms against the wall and with the door still open he was inside me. I closed the door so that the neighbours wouldn’t be subjected to my moaning and then, as fast as we had begun, he pulled out again, yanked his pants on, kissed me and backed out of the door saying “I’m sorry Lily, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life”, and was gone.