Letter

I was utterly focused and strangely energized as I got out of bed immediately and reached for my dressing gown and laptop. Seated at the kitchen bench and ignoring the cold I sat down to write. I would make her sorry for crushing my happiness. I would make him sorry for disrespecting me. I would make him sorry.

Natasha had given me the idea when she went on and on down the phone, telling me she’d been having sex with Alex. I knew that the truth would cut her far more deeply than any of her lies could hurt me.

I laid out every torturous detail of my interactions with Alex from the time we first met, so that the email would scream truth in every line. In half an hour I would send that email to them both and blast apart that relationship forever. And if my email did not make them sorry enough I would send it to people connected to them. I did not even hesitate for Ben's sake; that little boy I had never met but somehow loved. They’ll all be better off in the long-term, I thought.

Half an hour passed though and my bomb was still in the very early stages of preparation. I decided to continue writing until I had something worth sending.

The more time I spent writing, the calmer I became. Time, and something of a revival of the great affection I felt for Alex, cleared my head. Hours, and two and a half pages had passed, and yet I had only just reached our first kiss for I was writing in such detail. There were so many things I needed to do though before a weekend rehearsal was to begin at one o’clock. I would have to send the letter in it’s current state.

Sanity prevailed and I decided to give Alex one last chance. After all, taking away his girlfriend, house, son and potentially job all in one whack was hardly a small matter. It would genuinely be his last chance though.

Recognising now that calling his mobile was useless, and beyond caring whether I spoke to Natasha, I called his home phone. Alex answered.

“Oh Lily, I’m so glad you called.”

“What do you mean you’re so glad I called? Why didn’t you answer this morning?”

“Natasha's got my phone and she’s gone out. I’ve been in bed all morning; I’ve got tonsillitis. Listen buddy I’m sorry about last night.”

“But did you get my voicemails? I tried to call you.”

“Oh shit, you sent Natasha a voicemail? What did you say?”

“No I sent you a voicemail! I thought it was you texting me! I got a text from you this morning saying, ‘I love her’!”

“Oh buddy I’ve been in bed all morning, Natasha must’ve sent it.”

“And then I tried to call you and I left you a voicemail that was like three minutes long. I don’t know what I said, I don’t know, I just wanted you to talk to me. Oh shit, Alex, it’s bad.”

Alex was sorry for last night; he’d been so tired, he explained, and he’d been coming down with tonsillitis. As soon as he’d got home he’d crashed.

“But you replied to my text message last night.”

“What? No, I crashed. That must have been Natasha too.”

“Did you at least see the text messages Natasha and I sent to each other? I forwarded them to you.”

“No, I didn’t look at them.”

Alex did not want to hear them, but I forced him to listen to Natasha's messages down the phone.

Alex was sorry, but he couldn’t bear to live without Ben. He would live with Natasha. He couldn’t survive even one night away from Ben, he said.

“But will you pretend to have a relationship with Natasha now?”, I asked.

There was a pause.

“I’d rather not discuss that with you.”

The vice around my heart tightened.

We talked for as many minutes as I could possibly spare. He told me he could never call me from his own phone again because Natasha would only let him back home on the condition that he would never see me again. She would check the phone bill and knew both of my phone numbers by heart. She had told him to suspend his gym membership so that he would never see me there. Alex warned me that if he ever called me from his own phone again it was because Natasha was listening. He would call me Lillian to tip me off. If he sent me a text he would begin it with a question mark so that I would know it was from him.

I wanted to know when we could next see each other but he couldn’t answer. He suggested that we could still go away for weekends sometimes and that next year he would organize a boys’ trip to New Zealand so that he could come and see me. I told him that I deserved more, and we left the conversation with what I thought was a mutual understanding that we had reached the end of the road.

Morning

Saturday morning began far earlier than I had expected. I opened my swollen eyelids to see who was texting me at 7:02am on a Saturday and why.

“I. .-love her” said the message. It was from Alex.

“Fuck him”, I thought, and closed my dry red eyes to try to get more sleep. It was easy to think these things at 7:02am on a Saturday morning when you feel as though you’re knocking on death’s door. My heart was racing though. Within minutes I reached again for my phone.
The call rang until it reached voicemail.

I spoke for at least three minutes. I was calm. Grief and anger were dulled and confusion was taking it’s turn in the spotlight. I asked questions. I put forward my opinion.

“What’s going on Alex? I can’t believe how much and how quickly things have changed. I can understand why you’d go back to her ‘cause I know you can’t survive without Ben. But I can’t understand why you won’t talk to me about it and now why you’re saying you love her when you told me you haven’t loved her in three years. Please just explain Alex.”

I couldn’t even be bothered being angry over the message, which was really an unprovoked kick while I was down.

Again, he texted me.

“Look please don’t call or text. I do love my girlfriend and want to stay with her. Sorry.”

As sleep faded, the edge of my anger and disgust returned. A text again? Weak as piss. The man was weak as piss. He texts me at 7am and then asks me not to call or text?! He can’t even answer his phone after all that has happened? After I stayed with him when the waters threatened to rise and swallow him? Weak and stupid. Stupid not to treat better the woman who could break him.

I called again. I was genuinely willing to be calm if he answered the phone; I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

The call went to voicemail.

“Hi Alex, I would have thought that you’d at least want to talk to me to make sure I kept my mouth shut.”

Soon I received a text.

“Like I said last night it is over. Natasha knows everything and is taking me back. I am in love with her. Sorry.”

How dare he lie to me! Natasha knows everything, does she? There is NO WAY Natasha would take you back if she knew everything. Natasha thinks we only had sex once. It’s time to enlighten her.

This time I did not bother to call.

“u hav half an hour 2 make peace with me”, said the text message I sent to Alex at 8:04am.

Crazy

That evening I went to the movies with my cousin, Anna. The movie was appalling. I couldn’t stop wondering if I would see Alex that night; doubts were creeping in as I hadn’t heard from him all day. After the film I drove Anna home to her flat in Elsternwick – conveniently close to Elwood, where I hoped to see Alex.

I phoned him to see what the deal was, guessing that he had probably left the football already.
As with every other intensely painful conversation I’ve had in my life, I can’t remember what was said the way I usually can.

He was in a taxi. He was tired. No he didn’t want to see me. He had sent the message that afternoon. No he wouldn’t explain. No he hadn’t seen Natasha's texts to me, or mine to her. He just wanted to go home. Home? Home. No he wouldn’t see me. No he wouldn’t explain…

“Natasha's asked me to come home because she’s scared.”
“Of what?” I scoffed.
“Of you.”
“WHAT?!” I could hear a psycho in my voice that had never been there before. Natasha never had reason to fear me until the moment she dragged me down to her level. I couldn’t bare for Alex to think that I was the psycho and that she, Natasha, was the innocent victim.

Natasha, who threw beer bottles, and dangled her son before his father like bait, and called me to torture me with lies about their sex life, and who tore up photos and threw clothes in the pool and ran off with Ben to Mt Eliza and kicked and screamed in front of Alex's clients.

Then I was furious at myself for sounding so psycho. The subsequent anger didn’t help me sound like any less of a head-case. Tears streamed faster than ever and I begged Alex just to see me and talk to me.

He would not. He just wanted to go home.

After we hung up the phone I bawled, sitting there in the car in the dark. I let the snot run down my chin and my face screw up and I writhed like a dying animal, while simultaneously forwarding him the text messages Natasha and I had sent each other that afternoon, desperate to show him that I was not the crazy liar.

Somehow my despair was not quite deep enough to stop me seeking out a friend though. I called Ellen, who lived two blocks away from where I was parked, woke her up and begged her to let me come see her. I was so desperate for someone to wrap me in their arms. I was desperate for Alex to wrap me in his arms, but Ellen would do for now.

I left Ellen after about half an hour. It was enough. My grief subsided. But anger followed.
Revolting thoughts ran through my head. The kinds of thoughts I would have only believed Natasha capable of, but which I had somehow now inherited.

I was so angry with myself for being taken in by such a weak, shallow, WEAK man. The word wouldn’t leave my mind. He was disgusting to me. Three nights! he had managed to stay away before crawling back. He was going back to his loveless life because it was the easy option in the short-term, and because it was cheaper.

“I can’t believe u ended us with a txt & won’t even face me once now. U r answering 2 her blackmail once agen & letting her use ur son as bait”

“Please try to understand I have a family. I’m sorry lily.”

I was angry at myself, but I was angrier at Alex and Natasha. I thought about going to their house and yelling for Alex to come out and face me. And in my head I saw Natasha come out instead, since Alex was such a coward, and I saw myself punching her collagen-injected face and tearing at her bleached-blonde hair. Then I thought, “no – revenge is a dish best served cold”, and I saw myself wordlessly shoving a positive pregnancy test in front of her face, and gleefully watching her try to comprehend what it meant. I even drove to a chemist on Centre Rd on the off-chance that it would be open 24 hours. It was not.

Ideas flashed through my head. I considered calling the police, to make an anonymous “tip-off” that Natasha was a child-abuser.

In the end I went home, and decided that there lay the fundamental difference between the two of us. Anyone is capable of thinking such things, but most people don’t act out all their thoughts.

Text

Needless to say, I could not get Alex and Natasha and Ben out of my head. On Friday I texted him.
“I’m so lost alex”

Some hours later I received a message from Natasha.

“Stop texting alex. He is not answering your texts because its over. Our family is what he wants, not you. So please leave us alone. We are in love & have been for years, you came along during a rough patch & sadly you got hurt but it’s over.”

I laughed and looked at the message in disgust but my heart thudded in my ribcage as I replied.

“if u think that what u’ve got is love then I sincerely pity you natasha”

Soon the phone chimed again.

“alex asked me to marry him last night. You have known him for a few weeks. You don’t even know him.”

I smiled smugly, but started to feel anger boiling. I was beginning to hate her.

“u r delusional. I hope u recover soon”

She said, “You are a stalker leave him alone. And ps. He thinks you are ugly! And a slut.”

I couldn’t believe I was texting a successful, thirty-eight year old career woman and mother. A fifteen year old is more cutting.

I texted, “why bother with lies when the truth is so much sadder? The fact that a guy like alex can b inescapably tied 2 a mole like u is heartbreaking”

Ten minutes later though, I received a message from Alex.

“Hi lily, I’ve been thinking and I’ve realized I need my family back. I love them. Please understand. Alex”

Without missing a beat I replied.

“Natasha, what a wanky thing to do. I’m not utterly stupid. Try harder.”

Premiere

Thursday morning promised a big day. The film I had been publicising was to premiere that night.

“Morning Lily, have a great day and night, I’m sure it will be fantastic. I’m with Ben all day and night, I’m going to smother him in kisses!”
It seemed that as per usual, Natasha's promises of never letting Alex see his son again had not materialized.
“haha, poor Ben! Save sum grown up kisses 4 me! I hope u enjoy every second & don’t let a single negative thought creep in. hav a wonderful time. Ur beautiful”

The premiere was a huge success and I was excited to be introduced to some television producers who said they would love to have me as a production assistant. As the night wound down, I text messaged Alex.
“hello, I’m guessing ur asleep.. hope u had a good day. 2nite was gr8 but wish u were here. I’m sending lots of kisses & cuddles ur way :-) miss u xx”
He was not asleep.
“I’m watching the footy show. Glad you had a good night. You are crazy to like me I’m damaged!”
“I can’t help liking u, & we already knew I was crazy. Sum ppl becum ugly wen they get damaged but not u. ur lovely & I’m lucky 2 know u”
“you’re about to move to la la land and I’ve got another little fella on the way. Run away!”
“is she still saying she’s pregz? Make her prove it, don’t let her enslave u with sumthing that could b bullshit. Put urself 1st, just 4 this 1 thing”
“I’ve seen the test it’s confirmed!”
I showed the text message to Ellen across the back seat of the darkened car and felt my eyes prick with tears.

We spoke on the phone for two and a half hours late into that night.
Alex told me how years ago he’d been in love with Natasha. She’d wanted children and had given him the ultimatum that he must either get her pregnant or get out. He loved her, so he did. I figured the truth must be a combination of that and the story he’d told me previously, about wanting to leave but staying when she fell pregnant.

I wanted to know what Natasha looked like. She was blonde apparently. She looked 28 even though she was 38 because she’d had cosmetic surgery. She had big fake tits.

I couldn’t understand what Natasha saw in Alex. I knew what I liked about him, but from my impressions of Natasha's values and personality couldn’t imagine her liking the same characteristics. He said he was her toy boy, her trophy boyfriend. I could imagine that. A woman like Natasha couldn’t bear to have people wonder why she was single. She’d have to have someone she could introduce to everyone and know that he would never embarrass her. He was certainly charming.

Alex had spoken to a friend who was a lawyer. The friend didn’t think Alex had a chance to win custody of Ben. The law was designed to favour and protect women in positions of care. I thought he should fight anyway. She had shown violent behaviour, and at one time had taken Ben and run off to stay in Mt Eliza without telling Alex.

Alex still wanted to see me. He didn’t know what to do. I told him I deserved better and that our relationship was supposed to be fun, yet I still begged him not to go back to her.
As always, Alex talked about Ben.
When I expressed my feelings towards Natasha, Alex defended her. That hurt.

Wednesday

On Wednesday Natasha told Alex via text message that she was pregnant. I insisted that he shouldn’t believe it. I was utterly convinced that it was just another lie to torture him and try to make him bend to her will. He was less sure. It was supposed to have been conceived the last time they’d had sex; a few days before Alex and I first kissed.
“Didn’t you say you used the withdrawal method then though?”
“I may not have been as careful with Natasha as I was with you.”

Oops

Tuesday, the day Alex was to move into his mate's place, was a different story.
I was on a corner of Lygon St, walking towards Melbourne Uni with some women in chains in tow, posing as slaves, when my mobile phone rang. I answered the unfamiliar number neutrally.
“Hello, Lily speaking.”

The voice that answered me was so sharp it could cut your throat.
“Hi Lily, this is Natasha, Alex's girlfriend.”

My stomach sunk into my shoes, my legs felt dead, my hands started to shake and perspire and not much of the world made sense anymore as my brain went instantly numb. I barely remember the conversation. I do remember that I calmly responded,
“Hi Natasha, how are you?”

Normally good at lying, improvisation and remaining somewhat calm under questioning, that one polite reply was all I could muster before things fell apart. I remember thinking how bright the sun was and how Lygon St was so busy and how I mustn’t let the people I was working with hear the conversation. What I needed to think was, “deny everything” but it didn’t cross my mind.

Natasha interrogated me briefly. All I could manage was one and two and three word answers, like a dumb thirteen year old in an adult situation she doesn’t understand. They were the wrong answers though.

When I had filled out the contact form on Alex's website to let him know I wouldn’t sleep with anyone at the snow the email had arrived in both Alex and Natasha's inboxes, as Alex was using an email address on Natasha's company’s server at the time.

Monday

On Monday we were somewhat walking on sunshine. Although previously we had thought that Alex would not be able to come to film premiere with me on Thursday - Natasha would be in Sydney and he would need to be home to take care of Ben - her plans had changed and therefore so did ours. It was decided that we would go out for dinner before the film, then attend the premiere and then I would stay the night at his place for the first time as his plans were to move out on the Tuesday. In my head I excitedly planned which sexy dress I would wear to make his jaw drop and want to get me home as soon as possible, and which I hoped would make him proud to be seen with me, despite our age difference. He assured me that day though that as soon as he had moved out away from Natasha he would not have the slightest problem with being publicly affectionate towards me and would kiss and cuddle me no matter who saw.
We talked excitedly of occasional sleepovers at his place. Would I be sleeping over or just coming to see him and then leaving? he wanted to know. He was pleased that it would be both. But when he asked whether my parents would be fine with that I had to tell him that they must never find out about him. Alex was disappointed. Not only did he not want me to lie but he was hoping to meet my parents. He needed to be part of a family, he said. I told him that my family could never accept him at this point in my life. We skated over the issue pretty quickly though, and returned to happier topics.
In the afternoon I received,
“I’m taking you away for a weekend soon, can you handle it? It will mean we can’t be separated.”
And then later,
“I love studying your body. I plan on studying it very hard and often!”
Still later though Natasha's plans changed again and Alex had to cancel our date. Though disappointed, we planned instead that I would come to the football with Alex on Friday night and then stay with him. I would meet one of his close mates, and he begged me to try to think of a girlfriend to come along who might be interested in his friend.
It was a very hopeful day.

Weekend away

With Alex still living with Natasha and with both of our long working hours and my lack of transport it was difficult to see one another, but we continued to get to know each other better and better as we still spoke on the phone every day, and often many times a day. As far as either of us was willing to admit on the surface, the relationship was still a mere friendship with casual sex, but the way we acted and talked did not support such labeling.

On Friday the 10th of August I was all set for a weekend at the snow with my rover crew and a couple of other rover crews. Before I left, Alex asked me if I was going to have sex with someone else while I was away. I replied that it wasn’t likely as I was fairly sure of all the guys that would be attending and I wasn’t attracted to any of them. After some conversation, Alex admitted that he wouldn’t like it if I had sex with anyone else.I was pleased and flattered by his admission but as I was still trying to be immune to feelings for him I teasingly said that I would do what I like and if the opportunity arose then I wouldn’t say no. He had left me with a warm glow though, and in a sense given my feelings the permission they wanted to exist. I decided to email him through his website.

Name: Lily
Email Address: lily.lane.blog@gmail.com
Phone Number:
Message: Surprise!

I'm just about to go to the snow. I don't know if I'll have phone reception there but if not feel free to leave me a sexy message!The session time for the film premiere is 6:45pm next Thursday. I hope you can make it but please don't worry if you can't; I'm not so ridiculous as to take it personally.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm not going to have sex with anyone else at the snow, or even kiss them for that matter (unless they are female in which case I will go right ahead because I know you will love to hear about it). Please don't have sex with anyone else this weekend either?
Have an awesome weekend, but don't forget about me :-)
See you,
love Lily xx

Once I knew from his text that Alex had received my email I felt safe to go back to teasing and let him know that there were some new guys I hadn’t met before staying in our chalet. Like his “hot sex” text message that I had received at the train station, my message found Alex at the wrong time. I don’t remember his reply but it was negative enough that I called him straight away on my mobile to apologise and make sure he was okay. It was a Saturday night and he was drunk and depressed at home with a friend over, and Ben upstairs in bed after a long night of yet more abuse from Natasha.
I did my best to cheer him up on the phone and when the call was over I paused for a moment on the bunk bed I was lying on, overwhelmed by some feeling that had no name.The text message I sent was,
“nxt time the whole world is against u just call me ok? I will cheer u up, I promise! I’m crazy about u! (in a non-scary way)”
The reply was,
“Thanku for being crazy, I’m crazy too, just for you.”
And then one hour later,
“Just so there’s no confusion, I think you’re beautiful. Xxx”
The unnamed feeling did not go away. For the rest of the time at the snow (only another twenty-four hours) I was as full of thoughts of Alex as usual, but more full of feelings for him than ever. It seemed clear that the sentiment was mutual, though all was conveyed by text message. I still tried to hold my cards close to my chest, terrified of scaring him away with my feelings but it became harder as he became more open. When I asked him on Sunday morning what his plans for the day were his response was the very confusing,
“Ikea! Gym, arguing with Natasha and buying heaps of steak! This is for you xox!! And a happy ending. I can’t wait to keep trying.”
When I questioned what on earth he meant his response was,
“Sorry I’m not very bright. As soon as you get back I’m going to strip you naked, give you an all over body massage, kiss you from head to toe with special consideration given to certain areas! You’re hot!!”
The secretive smile I couldn’t help but carry constantly that afternoon as we packed away our things and cleaned the chalet was remarked on by more than one person.
[Note: The visit to Ikea and purchases of steak were the result of Alex's plans to move out on the Tuesday of that week. He had finally resorted to temporarily taking a room in the flat of a good friend of his. “I can’t wait to keep trying” refers to the fact that I had never had an orgasm in my life; a problem he was determined to fix.]

Sexy pants

Soon Alex invited me to come and have breakfast with him in the restaurant at the range. He begged me to wear ‘the pants’. ‘The pants’ were the pair of soft black pants I sometimes wear to work and were the first pants Alex ever saw and admired my arse in. The night before our breakfast date I text messaged him to tell him I couldn’t wait to show him a surprise.
We had breakfast at the restaurant and Alex introduced me to Bill. He asked Bill how old he thought I was; Bill answered “about nineteen” and once again Alex repeated his surprise. While we waited for our breakfasts Alex got up to get juices for us and when he sat back down, told me quietly what Bill had just said in admiration of my figure. Alex did things like that all the time. He complimented me so often that I was forced to learn to take compliments purely by the fact that he’d flood me with them. He was never insincere or grand about it, he’d just constantly slip in comments to make me feel good. When I was talking to Alex or when I was around him I would always be totally convinced that I was the sexiest, smartest girl around.
After breakfast we slipped into the teaching shed.
“We’re not allowed to have sex today though”, I said.
“Why’s that?”
“Because the last couple of times freaked me out too much, I’m terrified of getting pregnant. So because we obviously can’t be trusted the rulethat we’re not allowed to have sex until I get that contraceptive shot in my arm.”
He agreed. So I showed him my surprise. I took his hand in mine and slipped it inside ‘the pants’ so that he could feel the silky smooth skin between my legs; I’d had my first Brazilian ever the day before. is now
Before long I was slouched on a chair, legs spread, while he used his tongue to send shuddering waves of heat through my body. When eventually I said breathlessly, “Hey Alex? Let’s just do it”, he didn’t need telling twice.